by: Ed Williams
Y’all ever wonder why some people seem to have such a hard time finding gainful employment? Well, after reading this column you may better understand some of the reasons why. This week I’m going to share some actual comments from selected employment applications that have been submitted to some of the companies that I‘ve worked for in the past. Y’all might think that I’m kidding or exaggerating, but I swear on a stack of Elvis CDs that the following comments are as true as they can be....
On the criminal history section -
“I have only done a few light crimes that I have been arrested for, nothing that has gotten me in the paper or anything.”
“I hit a police officer, but it will be proven out to be a big mistake.”
“I stole money from the job, got busted, and did some time. You have to like that I’m honest about it.”
On why they left their last job -
“They picked on me just because I had missed work six or seven times in the last month due to family reasons. A man doesn’t become a father every day, and I wanted to watch my woman’s stomach grow, so I did.”
“I whistled at a woman during my probationary period who turned out to be my bosses’ wife.”
“I didn’t like the pay, I didn’t like the benefits, I didn’t like my boss, so I told him.”
“It takes too much time to look for a new job while you have an old job, and since my old job stinks, I am going to use my daylight time to look for another.”
On what hours they’re available to work -
“I’m a young man, and you don’t want to mess up my social life by making me work at night. My women won’t like that one bit.”
“My fiance expects me home each day at five pm sharp to make him dinner, so we will need to work around that.”
“Can I just give you a slip of paper each week that tells you what hours I can work?”
On why they want a job with us -
“My neighbor Joe Blow works for you, and he’s not half the man I am. You’d be better off to send him home and call me in to work for you.”
“My friend Jambo works for you, and he never comes home sweatin’, so I figure your company is the place for me.”
“I can’t draw assistance until they put through the paperwork, so I need something to tide me over right now.”
“Right now I work for my in-laws. The money is bad, and my mother-in-law has a thicker mustache than mine. And she’s the type that likes to kiss you a lot.”
“I worked for XYZ fast food chain, gained a lot of weight, and my boss let me go because I couldn’t fit into my work uniform anymore.”
“Your dad dated my mom, and I’m sure you don’t want that to get out.”
Y’all see what I mean? The really bad thing is that I could have written another ten pages chock full of these type comments. Honestly, you have to wonder what in the devil people are thinking when they put this kind of stuff on their employment applications. I choose to think that they are just not thinking clearly at the time, and I think it’s best to just leave it at that. Life is life, I suppose. If you think about it, though, there is a bright side to all of this - if you happen to be among those who are out there looking for a job, know that you will pull ahead of some of your competition by simply filling out your employment application in a neat, coherent manner. If you do that, you might even be able to get around the fact that you need a job simply because, as one applicant so succinctly put it, “... my old Aunt Gertie is winkin‘ and smilin‘ at me a lot these days, and I think that I might need to get out of the house a little more than I am...”