"Why am I spending $50 on books again?" I asked my wife as I wrote out yet another check for one of my daughters "fund raising" activities. "Its for a good cause," was my wifes response. "But dear," I said through a clinched-teeth smile, "we already belong to the Childrens Book of the Month Club and have a Barnes & Noble discount card."
No, Im not opposed to my daughter reading. In fact I encourage it. The problem is that I shell out money for a "good cause" at least two or three times a week. Enough is enough already. Its moved from "good cause" into the territory of extortion.
Every activity my children are involved in has got a hand in my wallet. And because children in America are supposed to be entertained and "encouraged" 24 hours a day, this adds up to a lot of activities and a lot of hands in my wallet.
My kids have karate twice a week. My daughter does sparring at karate on Fridays. Brownies are on Wednesdays. And with spring here, softball for my daughter starts in a week or so. My son is too young for t-ball, so we get to wait until the fall when they both can start soccer. And my daughter is looking forward to winter basketball.
Those are pretty much fixed costs that Ive built into my household budget. And if that was where the begging ended, I could live with it. Unfortunately, Ive got the additional "fund raising" that both my daughters elementary school and my sons pre-school gently encourage me to take advantage of on a continual basis.
Heres a list of all the fund raising shakedowns Ive been hit with over the last year. And these are just the ones I can remember. Im sure my wife has hidden a few from me, quietly paying cash for a Arbor Day wreath or special school logo dishrag (all in the name of a "good cause").
Girl Scout Cookies: This one isnt too bad, except when Im trying to diet. My strategy is to eat through the cookies as quickly as possible in hopes that I outpace the calories. Cost: At least $100 worth of Thin Mints. Book Club: My daughter brings home a book club order form every month during the school year. For some reason, we have to buy books every month even though my daughter borrows books from the school library every week. With all the books, I think Ill turn our guest room into a reading room. Cost: $20 a month.
Wrapping Paper: How much wrapping paper do you need? My wife swears this is a good deal, but Im pretty sure I can get wrapping paper cheaper at Wal-Mart. And even though my kids get invited to about a birthday party a week, my wife refuses to use the jingle bells paper to wrap a toy truck in June. Cost: $50.
Overpriced Food Club: Support your school by buying expensive food that you wouldnt eat in a million years unless it was forced on you. Things like frozen "chicken dee-lite" in freezer packs that can be heated in a microwave for only $8 a serving. What a bargain. Cost: $80 a month and countless antacid tablets.
Miscellaneous Grifts: Theres a whole host of one-time items like the pre-school "Wiggle and Giggle" dances ($5 a person), karate movie nights ($15 per child, but at least we got three hours of baby sitting), and one of my personal favorites, donate school supplies for the classrooms (at least $100 this year).
The National Institute of Disgruntled Working Folk estimates that the average cost of raising a child today is exactly 30% more than your take home pay. You will never catch up. In fact, you will be working past the time of your death just to pay for ballet and summer camp.
I guess I can take some amount of solace in the fact that, for the most part, these programs are for good causes. And, that my children will soon be old enough to start doing some of the chores around the house that I hate, like mowing the lawn and cleaning the pool. I may be able to recoup some of my losses soon.
"Hurry up and get that grass mowed," Ill shout in between sips of beer from my chair on the deck under the umbrella. "Its all for a good cause."
Chuck Smith is the mind behind www.BrainSediment.com, where you can sift through the muck that is Chucks Brain. Visit http://www.BrainSediment.com for more humorous articles about family life.