5 Steps to Build Stronger Communication and Understanding

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5 Steps to Build Stronger Communication and Understanding

By: Chris Anderson

Part Three of a Four-Part Series

Part One: http://www.bizmanualz.com/articles/02-08-05_Process_Improvement.html?src=ART83

Part Two: http://www.bizmanualz.com/articles/02-14-05_Core_Processes.html?src=ART84

Next Week: Six Sigma Tools

Did you know that you should always create a process map for every procedure or system of procedures that you develop? And did you know that, like a table of contents, this will create stronger communication and better understanding in your organization?

How do you do this?

Identify Core Processes

Last time, we followed the money trail and identified your business' core processes. We discussed where to best start a change in one of those core processes. And we introduced the technique of producing a process map. So this week, let's take a further look at how to create a process map - and see how it creates knowledge to benefit you and your organization.

Use Process Map as Communication Tool

A process map is a flow diagram of the primary processes within an organization. It very specifically shows you both who and what is involved in a process, as well as the requirements for that process to be effective. The primary goal is to use the map as a communication tool. It is to show the sequence of interactions of the elements involved in the process. And so process maps are drawn and used by organizations to achieve several benefits:

  • Increase process understanding
  • Clarify process boundaries, ownership and effectiveness measures
  • Identify process sequences
  • Isolate core processes, bottlenecks and opportunities for improvement
  • Clarify the interaction of Customer, Supplier, Management and Operations processes
  • Provide a tool for training and discussion

In other words, a process map details what happens first, second and third in a process. It shows what happens in each step along the way. And this is drawn in graphical form for easier communication and understanding.

This type of map shows the "big picture" of 10-20 core processes within an organization. The map also shows the critical elements within each section and its importance within the whole system. And these sections, or bands, are what relate the processes to each other AND to the outside suppliers and customers.

Link Suppliers and Customers

Although there are several ways to draw a process map, the basic diagram is typically constructed in four bands. And these four bands link together Customers, Primary Processes, Secondary Processes and Suppliers.

You improve effectiveness by showing the specifics of a process. And sometimes we've learned the hard way that the development phase of a project or a process is far more expensive than the planning phase. And so by thinking through and perfecting your processes beforehand, you decrease waste in development time. With a detailed process map, you identify and decrease such waste wherever it occurs in the process.

Here are a few key points to keep in mind while process mapping:

  • Identify core processes to support mission and goals
  • Determine how to create value for the customer throughout the process
  • Map ownership and performance metrics along with the process
  • Engage your people in process mapping to define problems and solutions

Now, let's break down the process map even further.

Define Steps of the Process

We've just defined the big picture process map as a sequence of interactions of multiple processes. These multiple processes consist of multiple steps. As we've discussed, the benefits are better communication and understanding and a decrease in waste. And this offers a great "big picture" view of your organization's processes. But...

When you go to write your organization's procedures, you need more detail. You'll need a method to define the sequence of interactions of each step. And you do this with a procedure map. Here's an example of a typical procedure map:

With this refined procedure map, you can see the steps that go into an organization's competency process, including the suppliers and customers for each of those steps. This is also called the SIPOC method. This method identifies the Suppliers of the specific data used as an Input for the Process to create Outputs for the Customer. The map also gives you both effectiveness and performance criteria for this process' owner(s). With such measurement criteria, you set the mark for continuous improvement of the process.

And so by creating a procedure map, you will further increase communication and understanding within your organization. Procedure maps become a strong tool in training, either to familiarize new employees to their jobs or to increase efficiency and performance with current employees.

Communicate, Understand and Apply Knowledge

Both process and procedure maps are crucial in an organization. And so as a rule of thumb, never develop a procedure or system of procedures without first creating a process and procedure map. Acting like a table of contents, a process map helps organize the chapters of a complex book in a way that this knowledge can easily be communicated, understood and applied.

Next time, we will discuss Six Sigma problem-solving tools and answer the question: how do you move from seat-of-the-pants decision making to measurable and continuous process improvement?

You have permission to publish this article free of charge, as long as the resource box is included with the article. If you do run my article, a courtesy reply to sean@bizmanualz.com would be greatly appreciated. This article is 927 words long including the resource box. Thanks for your interest.

About The Author

Chris Anderson is the managing director of Bizmanualz, Inc. and co-author of policies and procedures manuals, producing the layout, process design and implementation to increase performance.

To learn how to increase your business performance, visit: http://www.bizmanualz.com?src=ART85

Comments

Blondie Mathieson 22.06.2011. 23:05

What are some good online multiplayer games? Games like Travian, Ragnarok, Runescape, Gunbound, Maple Story, etc. But with no download needed and free.

Blondie Mathieson

Admin 22.06.2011. 23:05

Tribal Wars is a browserbased online game. Every player controls a small village, striving for power and glory.

* 153989 Players
* 5 game worlds
* beginner protection
* graphical village overview


Rules
1) One Account per player

Each player is allowed only one account per game world (except account sitting). Sharing your password with another player is forbidden.
more
2) Players sharing an internet connection

While players are sharing an internet connection (and 24 hours thereafter) they are not allowed to supply, support or attack each other or attack coordinated. Regular sharing a connection has to be reported.
more
3) Account sitting

While a player is account sitting for another player, no interactions (see 2) are allowed between any accounts played on the account sitters internet connection. That includes all accounts, that are being account sitted by players on that connection. It is also forbidden to support the same player.
All interactions are forbidden until 24 hours after the account sitting mode has been canceled.
more
4) Communication

Insulting other players is forbidden. Threats and blackmailing of other players are allowed only if the context is entirely ingame. Political extreme, racist, pornographic or otherwise illegal statements are forbidden in the game (and any other medium offered by us).
more
5) Selling of accounts and push accounts

It is not allowed to play accounts for commercial purposes. It is not allowed to sell, buy or offer accounts, villages or resources. Trades involving more than one game world are also forbidden.
It is also not allowed to create accounts just for the benefit of another account. Accounts that are used only to push other accounts will be banned.
more
6) Bugs and errors

Every player is obligated to report critical bugs immediately ( Support ). Using bugs to ones own advantage will lead to account banning or other punishments.
more
7) Bots

The game is to be played with a normal browser only. Bots, browser add-ons and other applications that automate game activities are forbidden.
more
8) Account deletion

An account may be modified, banned or deleting for a number of reasons. Deletion can happen automatically if an account is not used for more than 21 days.
9) Language

Tribal Wars in an English game. English should be the only used language since it is the only language that is understood by everyone! All profiles and descriptions have to be in English. It is not allowed to create tribes just for one nationality or language and to exclude other players because of their nationality. There will be no replies to support requests written in other languages. Repeated violations of that rule will lead to an account ban.

First steps

In the beginning you will first and foremost need one thing: Resources. The lumber station produces wood, the clay pit clay and the iron mine iron. The more you upgrade these buildings, the more they produce. In the first couple of days it is very recommended to focus on resource production.

Besides producing resources you should also try to protect your resources from plunderers. They could just assault you and steal the resources, which took you plenty of time to build up. You should do something to guard yourself against this possibility. Expanding your hiding place is one possibility. The bigger it is the more resources can be hidden, invisible to enemy troops. You should use this possibility especially when strong players are in your neighbourhood.

When you have taken care of your basic resource production, you can start trading and producing troops. In the barracks (requires headquarters of level 3) you can produce spear fighters. They are not too well suited for an attack, but they offer you the possibility to plunder the resources of very weak players.

If you prefer a little trading, you should build a market (requires headquarters level 3 and warehouse level 2). Here you can see what resources your neighbouring villages are offering for exchange and you can perhaps get rid of your own excess resources for something more valuable. Of course you can also create your own offers. But remember that with a market of level 1 you only have one merchant available.

You should also try to join a tribe or establish your own one. A tribe can protect you from enemy plundering and assure a better exchange of resources. And you might make friends, too...

Admin

missladi 01.03.2010. 01:17

How to become a book editor? I'm a translation student (French into English) but I'm not sure that's exactly the career I'm looking for. I'm looking for information on publishing. What kind of training, degree, skills do you need to work for a publishing company, or to have your own publishing company?

missladi

Admin 01.03.2010. 01:17

Step 1) Consider whether you have a strong interest in reading and a talent for editing. Ask yourself if you can you develop the ability to read and evaluate manuscript ideas to determine if they are suitable for publication.

Step 2) Obtain a college degree in English, general liberal arts, literature, communications, journalism, or a technical field such as science or technology. A graduate degree usually is not necessary, but knowledge of a second language opens up more opportunities in book editing. Also, scientists, technicians, or anyone in specialized fields with editing ability may shift to book editing in their specialized areas.

Step 3) Get experience through volunteer work on community newsletters, small newspapers, or working for a publishing company at an entry level. This can be transferred to the editing of books.

Step 4) Develop a thorough understanding of information technology since online publication is growing. You should be able to use a computer and scanner, be familiar with a variety of publishing software, and have a working knowledge of multimedia in general. Also keep current on developments in communications.

Step 5) Take classes that deal with various aspects of publishing, from legal knowledge, to negotiations. Also include classes on multimedia and the Internet. You should have interests in many different areas. In addition, specialize in an area that you find fascinating, whether it?s business, law, or engineering. Book publishers have subdivisions that specialize in specific areas such as science, science fiction and fiction.

Step 6) Develop interpersonal skills to help you build relationships with authors. As authors become more popular, the book editor can continue to work with them throughout their career.

Admin

anup 22.11.2012. 17:47

SUGGEST WAYS THAT HELP TO ENSURE THAT COMMUNICATION IS EFFECTIVE? any?

anup

Admin 22.11.2012. 17:47

What is effective communication?
In the information age, we have to send, receive, and process huge numbers of messages every day. But effective communication is about more than just exchanging information. Effective communication requires you to also understand the emotion behind the information. It can improve relationships at home, work, and in social situations by deepening your connections to others and improving teamwork, decision-making, caring, and problem solving. It enables you to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or destroying trust. Effective communication combines a set of skills including nonverbal communication, attentive listening, the ability to manage stress in the moment, and the capacity to recognize and understand your own emotions and those of the person you?re communicating with.

While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when it?s spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the same impact as a speech that?s delivered (or appears to be delivered) spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Effective communication skills #1: Listening
Listening is one of the most important aspects of effective communication. Successful listening means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding how the speaker feels about what they?re communicating.

Effective listening can:

Make the speaker feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.
Create an environment where everyone feels safe to express ideas, opinions, and feelings, or plan and problem solve in creative ways.
Save time by helping clarify information, avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.
Relieve negative emotions. When emotions are running high, if the speaker feels that he or she has been truly heard, it can help to calm them down, relieve negative feelings, and allow for real understanding or problem solving to begin.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/effective_communication_skills.htm



There are 7 C?s of effective communication which are applicable to both written as well as oral communication. These are as follows:

1.Completeness - The communication must be complete. It should convey all facts required by the audience. The sender of the message must take into consideration the receiver?s mind set and convey the message accordingly. A complete communication has following features:


2.Conciseness - Conciseness means wordiness, i.e, communicating what you want to convey in least possible words without forgoing the other C?s of communication. Conciseness is a necessity for effective communication.

3.Consideration - Consideration implies ?stepping into the shoes of others?. Effective communication must take the audience into consideration, i.e, the audience?s view points, background, mind-set, education level, etc. Make an attempt to envisage your audience, their requirements, emotions as well as problems. Ensure that the self-respect of the audience is maintained and their emotions are not at harm. Modify your words in message to suit the audience?s needs while making your message complete. Features of considerate communication are as follows:

4.Clarity - Clarity implies emphasizing on a specific message or goal at a time, rather than trying to achieve too much at once.

5.Concreteness - Concrete communication implies being particular and clear rather than fuzzy and general. Concreteness strengthens the confidence.

6.Courtesy - Courtesy in message implies the message should show the sender?s expression as well as should respect the receiver. The sender of the message should be sincerely polite, judicious, reflective and enthusiastic.

7.Correctness - Correctness in communication implies that there are no grammatical errors in communication.

http://www.managementstudyguide.com/seven-cs-of-effective-communication.htm

Admin

msnchester 19.01.2010. 10:42

how 2 prepare for an interview? im doing engg.( I.T.)4th yr.can u plz tell me on wt things i should concentrate for the interview? wt do they usually wants in their employee coz i dont have that much good communication skills......&i hesitate alot....one more thing i dont have that much command on language like java,dotnet..Is java better or dotnet...

msnchester

Admin 19.01.2010. 10:42

A few things to remember

1. Ensure that the resume has been checked for typos and is structured in a way that makes it easy to read. Highlight your skills and experience relevant to the job.

2. Interviews are used as a tool of judging whether you fit the job as well as the company.

3. Know yourself, inside out. Only when you understand yourself completely can you make the panel understand you.

4. Take time to understand how you want to project yourself during the interview.

5. Everything you say or do makes an impression whether positive or negative. Be it the way you sit, the way you talk or your choice of clothing. Everything matters!

6. Remember, an Interview is like a sales pitch in many ways. So ensure that you present yourself well.

Preparing for the unexpected

In some interviews you may be asked to solve a case-study. You can be asked to give an impromptu presentation or recite a poem. Or, you may get the silent treatment from the panel or a stress interview may come your way. You can even be asked to leave the room.

Whatever happens, be mentally prepared for any eventuality. These situations give the panel an opportunity to assess how you behave in stressful or unexpected situations. They just want to get to know the real You. They want to find out if you can handle the job, if you are interested in the company and if you are the person they want to have during tough and stressful times.

Stay calm, remain positive and think logically.

Before the interview

Research the company

Being well informed about the company and industry provides you with a competitive edge. It also conveys a clear message to the interviewer and that is:

1. You are career oriented and want to build a career within the industry

2. You understand the intricacies of the industry

3. You are wholeheartedly interested in working for the company

Read up as much as possible about the company and the industry. You can also talk to people who work in the company or the industry to get a first hand feel about what drives the company and the industry.

Appearance

First impressions are made within the first few minutes and are very important for a successful interview. Most employers prefer candidates wearing formal attire (Indian or western). Dress soberly and neatly. It is better to be conservative in the choice of clothes. Avoid flashy clothes or strong perfumes. Jewellery should be at a bare minimum.

Have your clothes ironed and keep it ready in advance, so that you do not waste time in selecting a dress on the day of the interview. This also avoids last minute problems like a stained shirt, wrinkled tie, missing buttons or unpolished shoes.

Looks matter! Pay a visit to the salon, to get an appropriate haircut. Trim your nails. Remember, a professional look is the first step to making the great the first impression.

The interview tool-kit

The day before the interview, collect all your material and keep them in a file. Keep extra copies of your resume. Carry letters of reference, reference list, transcripts, certificates, other supporting documents, passport size photos, a writing pad, pen and a calculator.

Relax

Ensure that you sleep well the day before the interview. Stay calm and relax; only when you are relaxed will you do well.

During the Interview

1. Stay focused; put away any worries

2. Switch off your cell phone before an interview starts

3. Eye contact conveys confidence

4. Introduce yourself clearly with your first and last name

5. Smile at appropriate times

6. Take time to understand the question and then answer it. It is not a question of how fast you answer but how well you answer

7. Be expressive, talk crisply and slowly. Do not mumble, stammer or use a monotone

8. Keep the answers to the point. Avoid rambling

9. Be forthright and direct. Do not be evasive or beat around the bush

10. Never lie in an interview

11. Never blame or badmouth anyone during an interview

12. Never argue, always give polite responses

13. If you do not know the answer be frank, admit it

At the end of the interview

Generally, the panel will indicate the end of the interview by asking: Do you have any questions for us? Use this opportunity to ask intelligent and relevant questions, to summarize your skills & experience related to the job and indicate your interest in the job.

Admin

tear 12.05.2009. 18:32

What do you do when you get bullied from your step-son who is just 5 years old?!? My step son lives with his mum in another city. My hubby's ex-gf(son's mum) still hates us like crazy but she has to follow the order from the court to let my hubby sees his son. So anyways, when we visit him and bring him to his grandparents(my in-laws house since we have no place to live in that city), his step-son who I care and love always tend to bully me..sometimes kick me, sometimes scratch me with his nails or whatever sharp he has...He actually thinks it's funny and he'll laugh along.. Last weekend when we were having dinner at the table, he sits in between me and my hubby as usual,but then he suddenly poured the soup on my bear arm in front of everyone and it HURT!!!the soup was very hot everyone just told him 'oh honey wait a sec and put the bowl away from him a bit which is closed to me as he was eating sth else' In the past whenever he bullys me and my hubby stops him, but I just said 'oh that's okay I'm fine' with a big smile on my face even though that hurts and it sometimes made me bleed(on my hand on wherever he did on)..I don't have a kid yet so I tried to love him as much as I can since I know he is innocent and just a child. That's why it hurts more when he does those to me...I don't want anyone to blame him he's really just a child ..So yea, this time it's getting worse he's stabbing at my back with the folk when I'm serving everyone else and weren't paying attention to him..He always laughs and he enjoys doing that lot..cuz' he knows he won't really get any punishment (as I won't let any and no one really want to)..now I just see the bruise on my legs and wounded place all over the arms...I'm ver sad and hurt..Does it happen to any of you what should I do?? (I have to go along with my hubby I have to drive and takes care of my hubby cuz' he had an accident...)
No people, it's not like his son is living with us, we only have couple hours being with his kid every other weekend! That is why we don't really have time to 'timeout' . my hubby is a non custodial parent we only have visitation right. And they don't want to ruin it and one day his son is gonna say: ok i dont want to spend time with you guys anymore. That's why it's an issue! If i live with him of course he needs to behave. also i dont think he's this violent to anyone else, but just me. (i wonder if his mum let him...)

tear

Admin 12.05.2009. 18:32

I'm sorry you are going through this incredibly frustrating experience. I think there are several reasons why the little boy may be lashing out at you.

Firstly, to put it bluntly, his aggressive behavior might be partly because you aren't his mother, yet you have won the affection of his dad. You haven't indicated that the mother might be influencing his perception of you, but let's hope she isn't. Basically though, he may just be acting out because he's too young to be able to effectively tell you what he's feeling. I'll explain below what you might be able to do about this.

Secondly, he might be lashing out for attention. You give a primary example when you say he's stabbing you in the back when you are serving others. He definitely is trying to get your attention and possibly keep the attention of others (without realizing that he has your attention and affection already).

Thirdly,since neither you nor his dad have told him that what he's doing is wrong, he may continue to push your buttons. Children need boundaries. You can try and reason with him in a calm and nurturing manner explaining that what he's done (or doing) hurts you and you don't appreciate it. Tell him that because you don't get to see him as much as you would like, you want every minute of your time to be happy. What will make this more effective is if your husband can be supportive and back you up with this. Make sure you let him know about this and that it DOES hurt you. Don't let him think that everything is okay if it's not.

Basically, don't sit back and let this get any worse than it is. Keep the communication lines open with your husband and try to open the communcation lines with your little step-son.

Remember too, that although he's just 5-yrs-old, he's got lots of sense and probably knows what he's doing to some degree, although he may not understand the full psychological reasons behind his actions. You and your husband need to explain things to him in terms he will understand and hopefully the 3 of you can build a strong relationship. Even though he has 3 adults who love him very much, you must keep in mind that he is a product of a 'somewhat' broken home and that in itself is going to affect him. However, it doesn't have to be bad thing. In the end, he can have a support system of 3 mature adults who want the very best for him.

P.S. Don't beat yourself up emotionally about this. Just like he isn't to blame, neither are you. Just remember to open up the communication lines now before things get worse (because it will be harder later on and more difficult for him to respect you).

Hopefully everything will turn out okay. Good luck to you :)

Admin

StarGazer ? 22.06.2006. 02:54

Why is it, that when women want to talk, guys consider it nagging? Has any guy ever tried to listen? If you payed attention, maybe you would realize that she's just trying to tell you how she feels? It turns into a fight because you guys don't want to listen. It's very frustrating. There is a difference between hearing and listening. It's one thing to hear jibberish, but it's quite another to listen and find out what she's talking about. It's so frustrating!
I don't think that its ok for a relationship to be one sided. I think that if a woman wants to talk about something, she should have the right. Men just never want to listen. No matter what the conversation is about. I don't use monotone. I talk to him like I would talk to one of my girlfriends. He should be my best friend. Usually we do get to talk in a good manner, But there are times when he'd rather watch T.V or drink a beer. Men are so different from women.

StarGazer ?

Admin 22.06.2006. 02:54

Well if your using the same tone and syntex that you used in this question I can easily understand why your hubby would call you a nag.

First in good communication skills. it's one thing to express an opinion. it's another to undermine your husband behind his back.
(read the book His Needs, Her Needs, By Willard Harley Jr. )

Now do you understand how men and women listen to conversations?
women empathise during a conversation. Men listen with the goal of solving a problem.
one suggestion you could use is before you begin ask your hubby if he would be willing to listen without judgement, as you have a (NEED) to just vent. this will let him know your not asking for help to sove a problem, but you just need to have someone to listen to what you have to say without judgement.
after a couple times doing this HE might actually learn when you need help, and when you are just venting. Sorry but you women have done a piss poor job of teaching us men which is which. especially since each woman is unique and has her own method of expressing herself.

Another technique is to read the Book by John Gray called ( Men are from mar's women are from venus) excellent book.
This one has excellent communication educational tools each can use to enhance gender communication.

I also suggest you read ( The 5 Love Languages, By Chapman) your need to ( TALK ) so you can hear the sound of your voice might be a significent IRRATANT to your husband. ( did you talk to your hubby like you did back when you were dating? I'm willing to bet you did not. Women have no clue how damaging words they utter to their man can cause intense pain for us. no it's not a physical bleeding, but they do hurt and usuallly is the first steps leading to an extramarrital affair. women balme the men but they rarely accept responsibility for the actions that literally drove their man from their warm embrace. if you abuse his (LOVEBANK) you have no one but your self to blame.

Suggest you work on fixing your self. since you have no control of any one else. and try a little compasion and education with your mate. it can go a long way twords building a strong marriage.

God Bless

Admin

Eragon123 08.04.2010. 17:11

How can I find a Senior PHP development partner? Hello,

Any ideas on how to reach senior PHP Developers in the tri-state area? We are looking for a partner to step into something that is already established. Launched in 2005, we were the first internet company to develop a truly creative solution to a billion dollar problem in the wireless space. In addition to our innovative flagship property, we have recently launched a new application competing with eBay, craigslist, and other classified communities in the wireless category.

We have a "real revenue" model. :) We need brainpower and fresh talent to make it hum.

The company is made up of a powerful founder entrepreneur duo. We have had numerous top-shelf investment interest, but we need to build out the management team and finish developing the platform.

Our established online community has been featured in every major media outlet you can imagine and multiple times, i.e. CNN, Wall street journal, NYT, Wired, Money, entrepreneur mag, etc.

The person who joins us will be comfortable in a early-stage, pre-VC environment, and have the talent, vision, entrepreneurial, and management ability to drive the company forward.

Thanks for the Help!!!


Required Skills/Experience:

--Strong Analytical, strategic, and communication skills
--Senior PHP, (Zend/Symphony Framework experience +)
--Extensive PHP experience 5 years +
--Experience managing a team of web developers
--Expert at hand-coding clean, coherent, compliant, and semantic
--HTML/CSS/Javascript/AJAX
--Minimum 5+ years web development applications experience
--Strong Working knowledge of Photoshop, Illustrator, Dreamweaver, etc.
--Usability/testing/web analytics
--Strong understanding of HTML standards, WC3, and coding best practices
--Understanding of relational databases, specifically MySQL a plus


* Will need resume, references, in-person meeting, code sampling, etc.
I am actually asking for alternatives to sites like that. If you notice, I am asking for ideas to reach qualified people for my type of job. Craigslist is a wasteland. I'd have to go through 50 nut jobs to find one gem. There has to be other ways. I have started a meet-up group as well.

Anything else?

Eragon123

Admin 08.04.2010. 17:11

Uh...are you lost? This is Yahoo! Answers; not Craig's List.

Admin

PinkCandy 27.10.2012. 02:31

He says he doesn't want me to end it, but he's not showing it!? I'm almost 23 and he's 24. We met when we were away at school and for the last year or so we've been in a long distance relationship and only able to see each other whenever we can. We got engaged at school. Anyway, he used to complain about our communication and how I would take him for granted and always expect him to contact me first. I stepped up my communication and he steps down on his. Then he complains about trust. I tell him everything, and he doesn't always talk to me. Then, I thought he was breaking up with me so I created an account on this dating website and he gets mad and calls me "weak minded" for throwing away what we have so quickly. I got rid of the site when I found out he wasn't ending it. He said something about us moving in together on Christmas, then when I asked about it again, he was like "living together? I said see each other." My whole thing is if you don't want me to stray or whatever, then be there when I need you. Answer me when I call. Don't let me think you're breaking up with me. Then he keeps throwing the fact that he works 12-14 hours a day in my face and I lost my last job and I haven't been able to find a job since because I lost it when I went to visit him. (I blame myself for that because I hadn't been there long enough to take off work and my job was the one that approved of the time off.) But it just seems like he's rubbing it in my face that he still works and I don't. Plus, he thinks because of my past before I met him, that I'm going to repeat my mistakes with him. Just because I was talking to a guy right before I got to school and met him and I ended it so I could be with him, but I wasn't dating the guy back home. (That ended because he said he wanted to be together and I gave him several chances but I think he was just using me for sex.) The point is, with everything I'm going through, I don't need to hear that I used to be a harlot. He doesn't like when I say that kinda thing about him, but he usually starts it. Anyway, I would never cheat on him or anything and I love him so much, but he's always suspicious of me and he never forgets the bad things I do. He forgets all the things I do to make this relationship better and only remembers what I did to make it worse. But him not talking to me when I need him doesn't help. I said all that does is frustrate me even more and make me act out and he said "it's not all about you."

PinkCandy

Admin 27.10.2012. 02:31

I always say long distance relationships are the equivalent of being married for 5 years and stuck in a rut. When your married there comes a time when life gets the better of you - cleaning, kids, work, and the romance dies. When you are in a long distance relationship the romance dies because of the distance. You are experiencing the same thing as a married couple. There isn't that intimacy of holding one another, sex, or going on dates. Yesturday, I tried to make a fire for smores. I couldn't get the fire to stay, but it never died completely. At first, I kept blowing on it, adding wood (putting in the effort). But eventually I got frustrated and I stopped trying to make it work. When you are frustrated and trying, but there aren't any results, it is easy to throw your hand up and think I have done everything I can now its my partners turn. I even considered giving up, because I forgot how rewarding the smore would be ( and it was). Eventually, my husband and I were able to work together to get the fire to burn brighter and stronger.
He is obviously at the point where he expects you to put in all the effort. If you want this relationship to work, start by explaining your "harlet ways" (I was one too), by letting him know that yes it was so easy to get out of previous relationships, because you knew they weren't right. They didn't feel right and it wasn't something that was going to change and eventually be right. They weren't the one and that this relationship is different. He is the one and that you are ready to make steps towards building a life time together, but you don't want to pressure him because you understand that he is scared that you might walk away. I'd appologize for not always showing him how much you truely care.
Then I would start pickin up the romance and sexy, remind him of the rewards if he works to keep this relationship strong. A sexy text, a surprise package of the lingeri you plan to where next time you are in town, and reminding him of the reasons you are crazy about him. If you pick up the romance it is only natural he is going to respond. If he responds with romance and gratitute, then you are on the right track. When you are happy in a relationship, you are more willing to work and compromise. This would be the time that you tell him what you need to make the relationship work. I need you to be there when I'm down, because you have this way of making me feel better. Instead of you are never there when I need you (which sounds naggy and can make him defensive. Turn it into a compliment.
If he doesn't return the romance, its time to prepare to walk away.
I hope everything works out for the two of you.

Admin

Boba Fettish 06.02.2012. 01:39

I'm a 32 year old female, and I like a much younger guy. Please help. (warning long)? Hi. I'm 32 years old, female. This is going to sound really bad, but hear me out. There is a guy I have been communicating with through email. He's really nice and really smart. He's a Star Wars fan. So am I. He writes really good Star Wars fan fiction. He even writes me stories about my character and Boba Fett, who is my favorite character. He understands my fetishes, especially my Boba Fett fetish, and writes these really awesome stories for me. He also has some weird fetishes that I put up with and partake in. Just to make him happy. Although one of his fetishes sounds better every time I hear it. He told me he is older. He gave me his age 3 times. It was always different, so I know he's messing with me. The thing is, he is really only 20 years old and goes to college. He doesn't know that I know. I'm not stupid, and he underestimates my intelligence. He lives in the same state as me. He actually lives close by. I met him in person once, but he doesn't remember it. Maybe he remembers? Anyways, after emailing him on a regular basis I began to really like him. This was before I realized he is only 20. He wants to hang out sometime and so do I. But it's not a good time for me. I'm still recovering from an injury. My main priority now is my knee healing. I told him the truth about it not being a good time, and I told him about my car problems. I'm also going through a tough time with anxiety and depression. The thing is I really connected with him. He messes with me and tells me all kinds off bull sh*t, but I can see right through him. I want to tell him how I feel about him, but one main problem is the age difference. I've never had a relationship with a younger guy except once. But that was just a fling. I have a thing where I've been looking for a father figure my whole life. My real dad has always been emotionally unavailable. I've always dated older guys. And liked older guys. But this guy is amazing. I like him so much he has no idea. He brings out the best part of me. I feel like he is a good person, and I am not so great.

Q1: Should I tell him how I really feel?
Q2: Is it okay for a 32 year old to date a 20 year old? (it's not about sex)
Q3: Is it weird that I'm intimidated by him, because he so much smarter than me?
Q4: How do I stop my heart from breaking when I feel him slipping away?
Q5: What would you do in my situation?

Thanks

Boba Fettish

Admin 06.02.2012. 01:39

1: Yes.
2: Age difference with older men I don't recommend. But for some reason, I don't feel like it is as complicated if the woman is older. Don't know why I feel this way, but I do. So I say don't worry about it in your case.
3: I think everyone should hold the person they are attracted to in some sort of awe. Whether you think the other person is, smarter, nicer, better looking, a better parent, provider, emotional rock, or whatever, admiring the other person more than yourself can be a great thing. As long as you don't let your own self esteem sag as a result. Stay confident, and admire his intellect for what it is.
4: If he slips away, you can't stop your heart from breaking. It is the risk we take. And the risk is worth it. The heart is the strongest muscle in the body for many reasons.
5: Any actual relationship should be based on good communication. Good communication starts with understanding yourself. What do you want out of the relationship at this stage? Seeing him more? Continued email romance? Phone calls at night? Figure out what you want, then work towards building the relationship in that direction. In order to do that, you have to communicate with him what you now know you want. If he resists more communication, especially since it is a cyber romance at this point, you'll have to find out what he's worried about and address those concerns. You say he's slipping away. Maybe he has a girlfriend, or is intimidated by your maturity or experience. Again, back to communicating. Once you have figured out why he's not ready for the next step, you'll have to address those concerns. If the two of you can't find ways to say all these things to each other, then it is better off you figure that out now, rather than later on down the road.

Admin

? ??t?? ?u???by ? (Nyx) 10.01.2009. 03:49

really stuck on how to handle this....? im having a problem with my boyfriend and dont know what to do for the best. weve been together for almost a year and i think i do love him (i couldnt picture myself without him) but he's driving me mad. he stays with me for 2 days every week and by the end of it, i just feel so upset and crowded. he's such a distant person and i feel as though i have to build up the relationship with him every single day, he acts so cold as if he's never met me before. then he'll just get so clingy some days where i cant get 5 minutes break. if i go to make tea, he'll follow me into the kitchen or if i go take a shower, he'll sit outside the door. he has such a weird personality that me and my family and friends cant seem to understand. i dont think my mom likes him at all. ive tried so hard to keep the relationship strong but i dont know what to do anymore. i feel as though im only with him cuz i know he wont hurt me, not cuz im actually happy with him. im really upset and confused and any help would be great ^__^ thanks in advance <3

? ??t?? ?u???by ? (Nyx)

Admin 10.01.2009. 03:49

well from what you described he is very much possessive and he feels insecure!!!! well try to talk to him and tell him what are the things that bothers you and what you want him to change and try to work it out. A good relationship needs a good communication!! if you don't tell him what is wrong he wont be able to correct it. if you do all you can and he still keeps what he is doing then you might want to take a break for a bit or reconsider your relationship, that is your choice to make but the first step is communication. talk you him and see what is his reaction and take it from there.

Hope this helped
~s@m

Admin

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