Building a Stronger Marriage
four fences
A few weeks after I got married, an older man I knew from church shared four "fences," or protective hedges, he tries to build into his marriage. I always respected his relationship with his wife and wondered how he’d raised such fun, well-adjusted and healthy children. These fences hold at least part of the secret. They’re a little heavy, but they’ve been worth their weight in gold in helping me build a great home for my children. The four fences are spiritual, financial, emotional and physical. They came from a church elder, so there’s a lot of Bible talk. But even putting that aside, they’re still valuable.
Building a Spiritual Fence in your Marriage
1. Model a life that pursues God with a whole heart and puts Christ first.
Psalm 42:1–2 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. Where can I go and meet with him?
2. Seek to involve Christ and the word in your everyday life.
Deuteronomy 6:6–9 These commandments that I give you today are to be written on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.
3. Love your wife.
Ephesians 5:25–27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
4. Share with your wife what God is teaching you from the word.
5. Pray with your wife regularly in addition to grace before meals, preferably every day.
6. Choose a life style that is in keeping with your life message.
7. Bring guests into your home—especially foreign missionaries—and ask them to share with your kids life stories about following Christ and serving him.
8. Train and instruct your kids in the Lord—it’s your responsibility.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not frustrate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
9. Use family discussions (e.g. meals, long car trips, etc.) to focus on biblical answers to current family issues.
10. Disciple your kids—teach them Bible facts, truths and principles.
Read to your kids
Have one-on-one times with them
Pray with them at night
Memorize the word together
11. Pray for your kids specifically, and look for opportunities to make Christ real.
12. Teach your kids discipline with the TV, movies and video games (especially with what they play/watch).
13. Help your kids love to go to church each week. Choose a church that has a great program for them.
14. Let your kids see you serving and obeying Christ; involve them when appropriate.
Building an Emotional Security Fence in Your Marriage
1. Don’t compare your wife to other women.
2. Never make your wife the butt of jokes—especially in public.
3. Avoid sarcasm when speaking to your wife.
4. Compliment your wife often.
5. Tell her you love her using the love language that speaks to her.
This comes from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. The five ways people can feel loved are through spending quality time with them, receiving gifts, hearing affirming words, physical touch and acts of service.
6. Let your wife talk about her problems without trying to fix them. (Don’t let the curse stop you! Enter into her feelings.)
7. Listen to your wife, carefully. Make sure you understand what she’s saying.
8. Go out with your wife alone, often.
9. Talk to your wife every day. Bring her into your world.
10. Tell your wife what you’re thinking about and involve her in the process of decision making.
11. Share your feelings.
12. Be your wife’s number one fan.
13. Be understanding of your wife’s mood swings due to hormonal cycles.
14. Don’t keep any secrets from your wife.
15. Lead your wife.
Building a Physical Security Fence in Your Marriage
1. Keep your home in good repair; if you can’t fix it, make sure it gets done.
2. Maintain your yard; keep bushes trimmed and flower beds neat.
3. Lock up at night; check all the windows and doors, including the garage.
4. Turn on night lights for security or have them installed.
5. Install a security system if your wife needs it to feel secure.
6. Investigate the bumps in the night.
7. Answer the door, if you’re not aware that someone is expected.
8. Keep your cars in good repair and full of gas.
9. Ask your wife to say, “I have to check with my husband first…” before making any significant decisions, especially ones involving money.
10. Interact with neighbors to build good relationships; deal with them if there’s a problem.
Building a Financial Fence in Your Marriage
1. God owns everything
Psalm 50:10–12 Every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine…. The world is mine, and all that is in it.
For the next 30 days mediate on 1 Chronicles 29:11–12 when you first wake up and before you go to sleep:
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor, for everything in heaven and earth is yours. Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom; you are exalted as head over all. Wealth and honor come from you; you are the ruler of all things. In your hands are strength and power to exalt and give strength to all.
2. Principles of Money Management
Many people would be offended if you suggested that they do not know how to handle their money. If you could look at their bank records, their checkbook and their current debts, you would probably conclude that there is a lack of financial wisdom. When we speak of financial wisdom, what we have in mind are some very simple principles, which can make the difference between the bondage of indebtedness and financial freedom.
Parents and teachers spend 18 to 22 years preparing children for their working years, but less than a few hours teaching them to use the money they will earn.
A. Plan your finances
Proverbs 24:3–4 Any enterprise is built by wise planning and becomes strong through common sense; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.
Luke 14:28 Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?
B. Make a budget; have a long-term savings plan. We have an obligation to pay our debts without delay.
Proverbs 3:28 Do not say to your neighbor, “Come back later; I’ll give it tomorrow”—when you have it with you now.
C. Save
Proverbs 21:20 In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has.
Proverbs 30:24–25 Four things on earth are small, yet they are extremely wise: Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer.…
1. Short-term savings include at least one month’s salary in cash; long-term savings include retirement savings, college funds, savings for a house if you don’t own one, car and major repairs. We must maintain a reasonable level of savings to provide for the unexpected.
2. You’ll save more if you save a portion of your income as soon as you receive it.
3. Spend less than you earn. Save what you do not spend. Invest what you save. Sounds simple enough. The problem is in the actual doing of it on a day-to-day basis. Many people spend more than they earn with the hope that one day they will get a job that will pay them more than they are spending. The trouble is, we tend to always spend as much or more as what we’re making.
Credit cards make it easy to spend more than you make. The credit card companies make the appeal, “Buy now and pay later” in the hope that all you will be able to pay later is the minimum payment, which means that each month they keep adding a substantial interest rate to your unpaid balance. Not to pay the full balance each month is unwise.
It’s also not wise to fall prey to impulse buying. Once you have some money in the savings account, there will be a temptation to spend it on things you don’t need. It would be much wiser to keep the money in savings for unanticipated emergencies. That way, you do not have to go into debt when the air conditioner goes out.
D. Give
2 Corinthians 9:6–7 Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
1. We have an obligation to give to God.
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