Death of a Parent: Understanding Our Emotions and Grief

The death of a parent is a seminal moment in our lives, whether it is anticipated, for example after a long illness, or not. This is the case whether or not you are close or rarely see them. The departure of someone who looked after you in your childhood is a fundamental point in our lives.

The emotional paths this will take you on will differ depending on your age, where you are in your own life and the nature of your relationship with them. The chances are that this is a death that will leave you feeling empty.

You may have hoped they would meet as yet unborn children, or see young children grow up more. You might have hoped they would approve of your career moves. You might feel you have lost someone you can rely on when no one else seems to care. And this can be devastating.

Alternatively you may feel that your parent was holding you back and this is a moment when you expected to find a sense of freedom, but now this has become fear. Was it an excuse? The loss of attachment can be difficult.

The death of a parent will inevitably bring back memories. There will be memories not just of love but of anger. There will be things you recall that you regret you said. there will be things that you regret you never said. You may feel a sense of childhood bewilderment, even as an adult, which will surprise you.

The death of a parent may bring siblings together again in a family home that has not really been a family home for years. This might create tensions, or it might bring the benefit of better developing sibling friendships from the past.

There might be arguments about funeral arrangements or a renewed sense of unity and feeling of love.

And of course, a surviving parent will now both be distraught and upset and getting to grip with a different reality and role within the family. At the same time step- parents and step families can find themselves in a difficult and awkward position.

Around the time of death and in the funeral arrangements afterwards, there is a lot to be done and there are new emotions and old emotions converging. It seems to be a time when everyone is too busy to stop and think. But this is a time when you need to find a little space for yourself too.

At the same time, often thoughts and anxieties about your own death will occur to you, at the very moment when you need these thoughts least. You will feel a sense of your own mortality and this is something we all need to come to terms with.

Good parents give us a mantle of security and safety in our childhood and the death of a parent may reinforce a realisation that you are now part of the generation in charge.

We need to take the time to consider these thoughts and changes and adjust to them.