I see this so much in my office- couples wanting to re-hash a week old argument and wanting me to judge who's right. Detail by detail they correct each other, exactly who said what, who did what first, as if each admited detail is a score toward the finish line.
But nobody really gets anywhere because there are no winners in an argument between partners. If there's a winner that means there's a loser, which means the winner loses too. Losers don't like winners very much. (Which, by the way, leaves winners out in the cold with frostbite you know where. )
Relationships are not about opponents or gladiators. They're about loving your lover.
When you love you give the gifts of empathy and the benefit of the doubt. You understand that your partner is probably feeling hurt beneath the anger. You try to understand and ask for help in understanding because you want to make it better.
When you are loved you receive the gifts of empathy and the benefit of the doubt. You feel understood and appreciate the empathy and efforts of your partner.
The more you are given, the more you receive. The more you receive, the more you want to give.
It becomes a lot easier than the win thing.
copyright Maggie Vlazny, MSW 2005
About the Author
About the Author
Maggie is an Imago Relationship Therapist and RCI Singles Coach. Services offered by phone, online, or in person at her Fairfield County, CT office. For more information please see www.therapyct.com or contact maggie@therapyct.com