Well darlings,
That's the season over again for another year in Blackpool and the preliminary autopsies are already out. It seems it hasn't been a disaster, but it certainly hasn't been that good either. The council and Blackpool Tourism have come under a lot of criticism for not doing enough to attract new blood to the resort, with their TV advertising campaign described as being "too little, too late". And, as many of the hoteliers say they seem to be surviving only because of their returning regulars, it's been suggested that the old shows like Eclipse, Mystique and Hot Ice are in dire need of replacing as their customers "have seen them more times than they care to remember."
Other complaints include hotel guests remarking that the town is dirtier than before, and at weekends particularly the atmosphere in the town centre is quite threatening - a frequent complaint that apparently doesn't just come from senior citizens. There is a feeling too that whilst hoteliers are raising their standards year on year this is not being matched by the council, and a common theme throughout seems to be a call for: "better attractions, not second class shows," and: "a clean up of the yob factor, so that visitors feel safe walking around Blackpool." And I've also found that from many, many businesses, not just the hoteliers, there seems to be utter despair at the amount of bad publicity the town has suffered recently through all the negative television serials, soaps, and documentaries that have been aired.
All in all it doesn't make good reading, does it? And, as if that wasn't bad enough, we have the actor Mark Jones, who played the summer season opposite David Essex at the Opera House in Boogie Nights 2, describing Blackpool as "the tackiest dump I've ever had the misfortune of visiting", and telling the world and its partner on his web site that: "I've never been to a town that I have found as dirty, unappealing, run-down, nasty, ugly, over-priced, under-maintained and foul-smelling in my life. I hated the place with a passion. I have never felt so threatened in any other town. I have come out of venues in city centres on a Friday or Saturday night all across England, where people have been drunk or unpleasant, but never felt as in danger as in Blackpool." He also claims that he was twice "started on" by troublemakers for no apparent reason whilst staying here, and that his wife had been attacked too. That's nice! That's a real cherry for the top, isn't it?
Jane Seddon, head of tourism for Blackpool, has replied to the criticism with: "While we're not saying Blackpool doesn't have problems, he seems to have missed the point of the massive regeneration programme." Really? Are you sure it is not you who is missing the point, Jane? Blackpool really cannot keep on excusing every fault and every criticism with: "Wait until you see what's coming with the regeneration!"
Throughout my working life I had a policy: If there was a complaint, then I wanted an answer - and if anybody ever came back to me with an excuse instead of an answer, I sacked them. It was simple - but it was effective! Perhaps it's a policy that should be adopted in Blackpool.
If our streets are dirty, then they are dirty - enough people have said so - and this year, after an improvement last year, I too feel they have been dirty again. And "under-maintained and foul-smelling" must be a fair criticism when you consider the many drains around the Dickson Road area (and this is only one area that I know of - how many more are there likely to be?) that have not been cleaned properly in the past four years. Some have been thoroughly blocked for all that time, full to the brim with dirt that produces enough sustenance for the plants and grass springing up in them annually. To my knowledge the council were informed of the problem four years ago and again two years ago - and I would be very surprised if there had been no other complaints in all that time. No doubt our stinking drains will be solved by the regeneration plans too. Marvellous - I can't wait!
As for attacks, threatening behaviour and the yob factor, we were led to believe that the police were getting on top of this with the latest released figures showing a remarkable fall in those types of crime all across Lancashire and especially in the Blackpool area - however, this good news seems to have done little to address the perceptions of our guests. A lot more obviously needs to be done. Last year the damage inflicted around the Church Street area was truly astounding, with broken windows to be seen every week. On one night there were nine smashed at the Winter Gardens alone, with a load more put in further up the street near the Syndicate. My own observations in the mornings suggest there does appear to have been less damage, fewer broken windows and a lot less blood and gore on the pavements in this part of the town over the past few months, so I think there probably has been some improvement, albeit nowhere near enough to keep the holidaymakers that we need happy.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions - and so is the road to Blackpool. When I look at some of the ideas there are for the resort, I think: that looks really spectacular - but who is going to look after it all? Will it be the same people we have now? The ones that don't seem to be able to organise simple street and drain cleaning of a reasonable quality? The ones who can't maintain law and order to a standard that visitors to the town find acceptable? The ones whose idea of planning has so often been unbelievable, and not without consequences? And the ones who floundered over organising something as simple as a pedestrianisation project? Will some of them be the very ones that are responsible for the way the town is today? And then I think: what a waste this could all turn out to be - this regeneration could become the biggest White Elephant the country has ever seen.
The new buildings, roads, parks, retail centres, covered walkways, flashy lights and all those pretty and impressive arty-farty things will mean nothing, nothing at all, if the people who run the town can't get their act together and maintain certain expected standards throughout the resort. Excuses will never make people come to Blackpool - answers will!
If the problems we have now are merely relocated into a rebuilt and state-of-the-art Blackpool then we will have gained nothing. "I've never felt so threatened in such a beautiful place before," will do little to kick-start the tourist industry; blood, vomit and broken windows tell the same story no matter how impressive the area - and if the streets and drains, new or old, are not receiving proper maintenance and cleaning they will only go to ensure the resort continues to keep its dirty image and reputation.
Folks, I don't doubt the good intentions of those charged with looking after Blackpool, and I do know how dedicated some of them are and how hard they work at the task, but I see so much around me that makes me question their abilities - and with so much at stake, I find that worrying.
On a lighter note: I have seen quite a few good shows at our Grand Theatre, and at the Opera House, since I've been here so I don't go along with all our shows being second-rate, but I'll agree we could do with a lot more good ones - we do get some that are a bit village hall. Although only a one-nighter The Joan Rivers Farewell Tour at the Opera House was excellent entertainment (if you are into Joan, and I am) and, considering it was November 5th with all those fireworks parties and the last weekend of the lights, it was quite well supported. No doubt when we get those 20 million people visiting us again, as everything is apparently being based on, our theatres will be in a position to host even bigger and better shows than they do at present.
Once upon a time (no, this isn't a fairy story - it's a story by a fairy) and that was a long, long time ago, I used to go to the theatre more frequently, often travelling miles to see something new. I would see a lot of good shows, a lot of mediocre shows, and, even though what constitutes the merit of a show is often purely subjective, a few that were absolutely and undeniably appalling. But there is one that will always stay in my mind. I turned up at the Theatre Royal in Bath, having found a show I hadn't seen before and pre-booked the tickets. I had no idea what the show was about, so when the tabs parted and there was no set, just a fat old man bathed in the spotlight and sitting in an armchair with a bottle of drink and a packet of cigarettes on a card table beside him, I wondered if I ought to leave straightaway. To this day I have no idea who the man was, he was certainly nobody famous that I'd heard of (he could have been a double for the way Orson Welles looked later in life), but he sat there for the complete performance just telling us stories - and I was totally enthralled. The whole audience was too; simply mesmerised. At the end we refused to let him go. He received a standing ovation and was forced to do numerous curtain calls.
I only mention this because I believe it makes the point that you don't necessarily need a big name or a lavish production to have a really good and entertaining show - you just need a good show. Perhaps sometimes we can all be bit guilty, and I include myself in this, of too easily dismissing a show as being second-rate merely because it hasn't done the West End, or we are unfamiliar with the name. I'm sure there must be many pleasant surprises out there - if only we would give them a chance.
And finally, another case of political correctness gone mad: a picture of a groom signing the register with a young bride, and another of Romeo and Juliet on a swing, have been removed from the Liverpool register office in case they should offend gay couples tying the knot now that civil partnership ceremonies are to be held there.
It's another case of ban, ban, ban. These PC people want to ban everything "in case it should offend" - including Christmas! What the hell is wrong with "add and enjoy"? Would it not have been more appropriate to have added a couple of pictures - say, of some gay and lesbian couples? That, at the very least, would have shown how well society had progressed.
As long as we allow these PC people, these control freaks, to continue banning things "in case it offends someone" we shall never understand, appreciate, or enjoy all our cultural differences, and we promote resentment. The answer to harmony lies in inclusion - not in exclusion!
See you all next week...
"The Bitch!" 12/11/05.