by: Nisandeh Neta
"and they lived happily ever after...
That is how our favorite childhood fairytales have always ended.
That is how the romantic movies from Hollywood always end.
And that is what the media agencies advertisements promise will happen if we'll purchase the right toothpaste, car, T-shirt or life insurance policy.
In short, ""...and they lived happily ever after..."" is what we have been conditioned to believe our intimate relationship should look like.
WAKE UP FOLKS!
I hate to tell you this, but... GROW UP!
We were conditioned to believe that life was going to be a bed of roses... a piece of cake... a walk in the park.
Of course, what 'they' forgot to mention when we were kids, was that roses have thorns, cakes contain calories, and a walk in the park significantly increases your odds of stepping in dog's you know what...
One of the major myths we were led to believe in, since the 12th century, is the myth of romantic love.
A myth that nowadays has its new-age label - the well-known 'Soul Mate'.
Romantic love is probably the most popular path to personal satisfaction and self-esteem in the western world.
In our modern culture, we replaced religion with romantic love as the means by which we seek ecstasy, meaning and wholeness.
Romantic love does not only mean 'loving someone', it also means 'being in love'.
When we are in love we believe we have found the ultimate meaning of life, as revealed in another human being - our Soul Mate.
We feel 'instantaneous completeness' and believe that the so-called missing piece to our life and to ourselves, has finally been found.
Life suddenly seems to have a wholeness, meaning, direction and purpose.
There is this intensity, which lifts us high above our usual perception of reality.
For most people, these exciting feelings are assumed to be the definite signs of the ultimate lover.
Unconsciously, we immediately create a demand that our lover always provide us with this feeling of ecstasy and intensity.
Despite that ecstasy, within a few weeks (or months) we usually encounter feelings of loneliness, alienation and frustration over our inability to create intimate, loving and committed relationship.
Usually we blame our lover for failing us.
What seldom occurs to us is that, it is we who need to transform our own unconscious beliefs, expectations and demands, which we impose upon our lover.
Once aware of it, we realize that this relationship brings unhealed emotional 'stuff' into our conscious mind.
Only from this perspective, can we assume our responsibility for the situation and begin to deal with what comes to the surface.
From this point of recognition, we can then begin to heal ourselves.
I am convinced that we join in relationship with another person with the purpose of supporting each other's personal-growth process.
In order to support us on our path we need this private trainer or coach to walk with us.
Imagine one of those famous football or basketball trainers, as your personal coach, 24 hours a day, all year round...
I can see your horrified expression from here...
Well, this personal coach is your Soul Mate.
... not exactly what you had in mind when you saw that gorgeous someone at a party...
The role of your Soul Mate is to confront you when you're losing your integrity, to kick your ass when you're getting lazy, push your buttons until you gain clarity of your destructive patterns, and so on...
If you and your partner had both attained enlightenment, you probably wouldn't have so much trouble.
Your partner would have all the compassion in the world, and you would have the overview to see your partner's contribution to your life.
And then of course, if both of you are fully enlightened, then you probably don't need a Soul Mate...
However, assuming that both of you haven't reached that stage of full self-realization yet, life is a bit more complicated...
As Karen Scalf Linamen suggests, the phrase ""And they lived happily ever after"" is actually a long-forgotten medieval punch line that, when translated, means, ""And, boy - ha ha! - are they in for the surprise of their lives!""
Have fun..."