We try to create a world of structure and predictability for our children. We work hard to give them routines, a regular schedule and consistent expectations. We aim to make their lives predictable, stable, safe and secure. As they grow up, we hope that this early experience will be internalized as a kind of centeredness, and that they will be solid in a world of flux and change. In addition to providing children a safe and secure beginning, how can we prepare them for the vicissitudes of life? One way may be to actively foster a positive attitude towards change.
A positive attitude towards change involves realistic assessment of what an impending change may involve, both negatively and positively. It is not a Pollyanna naivete or the repression of feelings. On the positive side, change is seen as an opportunity to expand one's experience. There is a sense that change is life enhancing and renewing, and essential to well being. On the negative side, when change involves loss, it means actively grieving and processing feelings. And when a change presents obstacles, it means being proactive and confident that one can impact his fate for the better. The following are some steps that parents can take to foster such an attitude in children:
1.As much as we try to make our children's lives safe and predictable, they will experience changes from time to time, sometimes dramatic changes. As parents, we can use these experiences as teaching opportunities. The first step is to observe your child over a period of time. Note of how your child reacts to the prospect of change. Is there a pattern? Does he generally dig in his heels? Does he become anxious and fearful? Or does he look forward to new experiences? These patterns and attitudes can become the modus operandi going into adulthood. The goal is to change negative patterns and attitudes now before they become entrenched.
2.When your child is faced with a new situation or impending change, talk with him about his feelings. Sometimes this is easier said than done. Depending on the child's age, temperament and background, he may or may not be able to discuss his feelings directly. If a child has trouble articulating how he feels, approach it indirectly. Perhaps bring up an parallel example from your own life and discuss how you felt at the time. With younger children, it is helpful to use a picture book which in which the main character goes through similar experiences.
3.Allow your child to grieve over losses brought about a change in his life. Acknowledge the losses as real and comfort him in his sadness. If a child is not permitted to express his sadness, it can heighten his anxiety and possibly lead to depression.
4.Discover the picture in your child's head. A child's feelings about an impending change are directly correlated to his understanding of what is happening. If the child is telling himself that he will move to a new neighborhood, and be shunned by the neighborhood kids, it makes sense that he is feeling sad and fearful. Ask your child specifically what he thinks the future will hold once the change occurs.
5.Look for catastrophic thinking. Catastrophic thinking is what it sounds like: envisioning a catastrophic outcome, a worse case scenario. It is black and white thinking, but with just the black. Look for the use of the words like