Working Out Shared-Parenting Routine Biggies

Many questions have been coming in about the biggies. So what are the biggies? It's the problems that people are having with their Ex's over issues like geographical differences. The emotional differences between the two houses and what you're meant to do about it. And, of course, money... there always has to be money! I've decided to work on answering as much of this as practical in this email, without making it so huge, you'll switch off anyway.

First up, let's look at two geographical questions that I've received:

1. One mother has asked "What should I do since my Ex has a restriction on me that forbids me to live outside the city that we live in?"

I don't know all the details of the order but these sorts of restrictions are not that uncommon.

To help solve this, it's helpful however to understand why they get put in place to start with before trying to work out how to solve them.

Usually it's because the Ex feels sufficiently invalidated as a sharing parent in the children's lives that they want to get some security for themselves. It's not so much to control your life - although this may well appear to be the outcome. It's about keeping the contact with their children.

If you can develop an attitude and practice of valuing the Ex's input into your children's lives, you may well find that these sorts of orders will not need to be in place in the future.

It's very common that most parting couples have the rule that the children cannot leave the country without consent - and for obvious reasons. However, it's less common to have a welcoming parent restricted to living in a particular city if good sharing of care and visiting is in place. It happens, but not as common.

So for this particular situation, I would recommend that you continue to develop strong routines that allow reasonable time at each parents place and seek for this restriction to be removed once trust has been established again.

If you are planning on moving away, you also need to consider what is best for your children and you... sometimes a relocation has to happen for work or instances like this. In these situations, it is understandable that agreements cannot be reached however many people have later regretted the anger and bitterness, with less regret about the geographical move.

2. "I live on one side of town, my Ex on the other and she won't do any of the driving between - What to do?"

This is a very good question and one that more often than not brings out the very core of who left who. It's about now the familiar line of "You left, that's your problem" comes flying out the mouth and the one hearing it goes, "What are you on?"

If this is sounding familiar - welcome to a very common assumption. Now there's really not enough time to cover this one adequately. There is more on this inside the "Routines that Rock" program. But I'll just point out the major reason for such one-sided behaviour that is so easy to overlook.

Our Leavees view the world quite differently post separation. They will too, for a very long time. Actually until they make peace with being divorced.

In instances like this, we need more information to really help out but this will inevitably come down to working out a reasonable solution together for the good of the family - and that's focusing on the children.

Now let's look at two emotional questions:

3. "My children are very tearful and emotional when we're saying good-bye at handovers, what can I do to make these better for us all?"

Not knowing the ages of the children, it is difficult to know if this is common Anxiety Separation or if this is from insecurity, however we'll assume that its more insecurity because usually Anxiety Separation is a delicate small child issue and passes after a few months of secure encouragement being away from you.

Handovers can be a stressful time for you and your children - and believe it or not, your Ex too. Often we feel we're the only one's who feel intimidated or dread the handovers, but if you do, it's quite likely your Ex isn't finding them a picnic either.

A really important place to start here is to have the handover's purpose very clear in your mind. Keep it top of mind and forget trying to solve any relationship issues while it's convenient.

You don't need to answer questions that are not directly related to the children's welfare since being in your care, or for the time they'll be in your care.

It's all about the children. It's about them being excited to start time with their other parent - and it's about you really helping them to feel good about that.

If you drive towards the handover with your gut churning and every inch closer, you dread it more, your children will feel this and they'll sense that somethings up.

If you can instead prepare yourself - and them - for another great time away from you, you'll give them a way to enjoy exactly where they are. This builds long term security for them - and that's a work of art in great parenting!

This is a start anyway - and there are strategies and tips inside the "Routines that Rock" program to help you with this further.

4. "They just don't enjoy going there... they don't want to keep going, so what can I do about that?"

This is another great question and one that is very common - from either side. What I mean by that is you'll have kids change their minds on where they want to be and start telling you they don't want to be somewhere from one month to the next. It's real - it's normal - and it needs to be answered.

The first point to note, the very best routine will be loved and loathed by your children. That's life. There will be many things they'll prefer with you - and there will be those things that they'll prefer with your Ex.

Your job is to keep them focused on the positives in both places and help them work with those frustrations in both places.

Every home (traditional in structure or not) will have things that won't suit a child at some stage. It'll be as simple as their favourite food is at your place, or their favourite types of movies are the ones they get to watch with your Ex. This is totally natural.

Remember you are not here to try and out-do. You're here to be a superb parent - and being a superb parent is being happy that your Ex will have something that you can continue to bring their attention to so they will enjoy going there more.

If you can encourage them to remind themselves of the things they enjoy - you'll find that there will be less whinging about going and more open discussion about what they're doing when they are there.

This is in your favour - because you get to know what's going on without prying or interferring. This is a really great place to help your children learn how to adjust to the two different home environments and then of course, teach them how to make good choices for themselves.

I'll just close on this one by saying that it's in the best interest of your kids to be with both parents provided there is nothing abusive going on... which is not that common when compared to parents doing their best.

Finally, the last question is about money and the differences between the two homes:

5. "My Ex has a lot more money than I do and so the kids get everything with him and I only just scrape by. I don't enjoy feeling like I can't give them what he can."

This is a hard one to swallow - and especially since it's still far more common for the woman to shoulder the majority of the day-to-day care of the children.

When you are restricted in your work options through your dedication to raising your children, it can be very easy to resent the money that the Ex can have from their hard work.

Sure, they may pay you - they may not... but in the end, it is their reward from their work - or luck from inheritances etc.

Yep, it can bite, but usually your children will not care about the differences in finances between the two homes if you don't.

If you make sure your home has heart - which costs no money - they'll appreciate your place all the same. Often more if heart is lacking where money is.

You can talk about the differences. If you can find humour in it, all the better. If you can become comfortable with it yourself, your children will become very accepting of it. This is really powerful for them later in life too where they can bridge across different groups of people they'll meet and work with.

Money is only one currency in life - keep it in perspective.

I hope that these five questions have given you some insights into how creating routines is a broader topic than just - who goes where when'.

There are the intangibles that we have to deal with; the emotional manipulation of children, the games at handovers, the blackmail, and the hostility of the Ex.

Routines can make or break your co-parenting teamwork and something that should not be underestimated.

If you've got questions, stories, or comments, I'd love to hear from you. Please post a comment below or email me.

To help you feel confident in meeting any challenges that come your way with routines, I invite you to look at my 'Routines That Rock' program where I walk beside you in answering your problems and those things that keep you awake at night.

If you want to start learning how to have healthy co-operative parenting routines for your children, start today by investing in your family to receive:

A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.

- Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.

- A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.

- And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.

These are real answers to your Routine problems - and they can be solved today.

Fed up with your Ex's routine not working for you or your kids?

You only get to raise your children once - don't leave it to chance - your kids are worth it!

Warmest :o)

Jill Darcey