Your Co-Parenting Routine Options and How To Work Them Out

Have you ever stopped to think how many varieties of shared-parenting/co-parenting routines and plans there are? You'd be surprised! You'll also be surprised at what you think is so obvious, suddenly is not! It's amazing that routines are one of the hottest topics debated in courts - it's where emotions run high and more people believe they're done-over because a routine doesn't fall in their favour.

It becomes really emotional because it's in these moments we realise that even if we had all the money in the world, if we're without time with our children, we will not build close relationships with them.

Now of course, how we go about trying to please two people who no longer live together is really hard.

It's really hard for the parents - and really hard for the children.

Children do not want to be in a position where they feel they have to choose either. They may want to express their opinion - but to make them choose - is cruel!

Often kids find it hard enough to decide which parent to sit next to at the dinner table in a traditional family... in a Complex Family, to choose where they live is asking for them to choose between the two halves of their own genetic make-up. That's simply not fair!

Inside my "Routines that Rock" program I have worksheets to help you work out what kind of routine would suit you best. These are available for download so you can work on these with your Ex (if you're able to).

Let's look at the some very typical thought processes that are used to decide who goes where when.

If you follow the methodologies used by most professionals, you will be surprised to find that they divide this into two very distinct worlds:

- Child-centric

- Parent-centric

I'd like to take the time to discuss this and then provide my opinion...

So what is a child-centric routine?

This is where the priorities of the children are placed in top position and compromises and sacrifices are required by the parents to fit around the needs of their children.

This may well be a very good solution - and of course, an admirable one because we all want the best for our children.

You may well instantly feel like you'd like that option too - as it places the innocent children in their rightful place - they're kept innocent and inconvenienced by the divorce.

So what does a child-centric routine look like?

As a good example, let's look at one that I've personally tried too. For the first few months of my separation, I was determined for my children to remain innocent and inconvenienced by the divorce, irrespective of circumstances.

This meant that instead of the children moving, the parents moved.

You may well laugh... You may have tried this yourself... If you have, let me know how you got on I love hearing your stories.

I can tell you what happened with us.

There were some strong upsides... belongings didn't get lost! The children slept in the same bed every night. Their friends knew where they were when they wanted to phone them. It was okay for the first few weeks, actually probably more like 6-10 weeks.

After that, things started to get broken and not replaced. CD's and videos would get borrowed and not returned. The house wasn't left as you'd like it to be left!

.. and all the normal hassles that come from different people in one house, sharing the same bedroom etc. I could have lived with those small sacrifices... after all, the kids were not being inconvenienced and they were having a consistent place to live.

But - all was not that easy for them either...

In fact, what actually happened was they found it more confusing and difficult to deal with.

They'd forget who was going to walk down the stairs in the morning - mum or dad. They'd forget what set of house-rules were to be followed because their surroundings didn't remind them of the differences.

They'd forget what stories went with which set of parents. They'd find it more difficult to tell what was funny - and what wasn't funny...

All these subtle little things that we hadn't allowed for in our desire to keep things easy for the children.

It actually wasn't easier for them at all.

So that's a good example of a child-centric routine failing its intended desire.

Next, what's a parent-centric routine?

As you would expect, this is where the parent's priorities are worked with to come up with a solution that will work for them both.

Let's face it, it's hard work trying to juggle work commitments, possible new relationships, time with the kids, time to catch up with family and friends - not to mention who ever has time out for your own time!

So, the parent-centric routine would look something like this:

Let's say I'm a police-officer who has to work to a six-weekly routine.

I've got no say in what that roster will be, so I wait for it to be posted and then I have to fit the kids in around that.

It's understandable, it's near reasonable.

It's also a good public service of which we're grateful.

It's also without much consideration for the children, or the parent who is not on a police roster who is trying to make the most of their now separated life.

That said, many Ex's make the considerations of the working demands and put up with the inconsistencies.

This is a good example however of what a parent-centric routine looks like, and one that can be challenging to work around.

So, is there a solution?

Indeed, I believe there is and in many practical years of experience, the answer works!

I believe that to restrict ourselves to having to choose between these two key focuses limits us to an Either / Or way of thinking.

When you come to solving issues inside Complex Family parenting, the Either / Or thinking will cause you many headaches!

You need to find an AND thinking...

This means, you need to think of multiple options - combinations, blends, bit of this - bit of that, the better way for us all.

The answer here is to come up with family-centric routines.

This means that the best interest of everyone is considered important and valid... and a solution is found where these are maintained, albeit that some swapping, trading, and concession may need to be made.

You might not have the ideal for everyone, but you'll have the ideal for family - and in the end, regardless of the structure your family now has, it's still your children's family.

If you've got questions, stories, or comments to this blog, I'd love to hear from you... please either post a comment or email me.

As I mentioned, inside my 'Routines That Rock' program I have worksheets and suggested routines for you to work through. It highlights some highs and lows of each option.

It lets you know what to expect - and things that you may not have thought about... just as I hadn't with the parents moving and our children staying in one single house.

If you want to start discovering your options, and working out the best Family-Centric Routine for you and your family, start today by investing in your family to receive:

A series of videos with me walking you through each aspect of routines and making them work with your children and Ex.

- Worksheets to help you sort out what the best routine is for your family.

- A checklist to avoid items forgotten at handovers.

- And you get to ask me your routine-related questions throughout the program.

These are real answers to your Routine problems - and they can be solved today!

Ready for me to solve the run-arounds your routine causes you?

You only get to raise your children once - don't leave it to chance - your kids are worth it!

Warmest :o)

Jill Darcey