Technology Aided Infidelity

At 5:00 pm he called his wife to tell her he will have supper with co workers and then go to a client meeting. Her innocent response is "Have a great night, see you later". At 5:15 he left his office and is headed to a small city some thirty miles from his office. He checked his text messages and found a new message. He glanced over the message and replied, "Be there shortly".

He is feeling a slight adrenalin rush as he speeds toward the meeting with his new lover of six months. He recalls the feeling was similar when he first met his wife some ten years ago.

His wife at home is questioning his behavior, his recent late night work and recent emotional distancing, but, does not want to make issues if none exist. She has a feeling that something is just not right.

Weeks later the phone call wakes up their sleeping child who was taking an afternoon nap. It was a relatively peaceful day until the phone call from a stranger claiming that her husband was having an affair with his wife. She drops the phone and sobs as she falls into the chair while contemplating the past six months. The extra late nights at work, the loss of sexual interests, and his new gym membership all seem to make more sense now.

This is not a script for a new reality show, but, likely a real scenario that plays out every day in the offices of marriage and family therapists.

They are likely both bright and well dressed professionals that enter the marriage counseling office. Their names are unimportant but let's call him "Tiger" and her "Elin". They may be the people living down the street or your close friends. He is likely a thirtyish high income executive, wearing a dark blue suit and well attired with a matching tie and polished shoes. They have entered a counseling practice to discuss his infidelity and, as had been revealed numerous times before in counseling sessions with other counselors and couples from across the country, Facebook is mentioned as a vehicle implicated in his deception and betrayal.

A new acquaintance, perhaps met through work, sparked his interest as well as some dormant brain chemicals and this husband and father was about to journey a path which only the ignorant or fearless wish to go. This imaginary husband, father and successful businessman is about to enter his worst personal nightmare. The relationship with his wife of several years would be tested.

Perhaps he was experiencing the normal feelings of a father. Excited about being a father, but, feeling a bit ignored by his wife, a new mother, who is having additional demands put on her time and energy. Frequently absent was his best friend who always had the time and energy to fulfill his wishes and in her place was a young, stay at home mom, who may have lacked some of the glitter, sizzle and energy that he had become accustomed to in the past.

I doubt that Tiger knew that the flirtation he began or responded to would end in several months of deception and lies, a marriage about to implode and his fiction's FaceBook account, containing many the painful details of his affair, would be somehow discovered. Perhaps his mastery of much of life's challenges prompted him to feel some invincibility about the secret Facebook account, the infidelity, and his ability to withstand his wife's numerous questions about his behavior.

What he likely did not realize is that if an affair takes place over a long period of time it will likely be discovered. No matter how well he attempted to hide his relationship, a wife has a sixth sense when something is not right and has a world of information at her disposal to investigate it. A simple click on Google will give her ample articles with titles such as "21 signs of infidelity"," How to tell if your spouse is cheating", as well as a host of other similar articles. He also may have overlooked that in any infidelity, there are always others involved who may be less cautious than he.

As she is suspicious, perhaps Tigers's wife had learned to monitor his mileage, his cell phone bill, his internet history and his grooming habits, all areas that can lead to information about his behavior and infidelity.

I wonder what goes through Tiger's mind as he sits down with his wife and their therapist for a counseling session. Does he know that he likely won the lottery as he drives to his marriage counseling session? Perhaps for him, it is the Million dollar lottery.

Conceivably he too busy dodging bullets or golf clubs, to comprehend that he has a really good chance to rebuild the relationship and save his marriage. Since he is an executive, it may have crossed his mind to figure out the present value of thirty percent of his income over the next seventeen years. If he did and added the cost of a divorce, plus dividing his assets in half, Tiger would have realized the cost of his poor choices would likely exceed a million dollars. In the excitement of the affair, he likely didn't think about the difficulties of complex blended relationships which have but a one of three chance of surviving for seven years. As most men, Tiger is a "fix it" guy but, realizes that this fix requires help.

In our practice we help couples to come together through shared common goals of respect, friendship, gratefulness and forgiveness. We use a gender balanced, couple's co therapy model as we attempt to replace negative communication patterns and behavior with positive ones. We help couples build bridges of trust and respect where they have in the past been damaged or destroyed. We are inspired by past clients who have succeeded in rebuilding their relationships and teaching us the possibilities of belief. We are further encouraged that statistics from the field of marriage and family therapy reflect that there is a good likelihood that from this turmoil, a new, stronger couple can emerge. If you are currently in a situation like this we encourage you to seek out a qualified marriage and family therapist. If you can find those who do a gender balanced co therapy approach to therapy, be sure to explore this. The cost of saving your marriage is priceless.