Doing With Each Other

Are you feeling lonely today? If you are, you are not alone. In a study published in the American Sociological Review, researchers from Duke University share that Americans have one-third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago. The study states that research done in 1985 showed that the average American had three people in which to confide matters that were important to them. By 2004 the same research showed that the number had dropped to two people in whom we felt we could confide. Most sad and disconcerting is that one-quarter of all Americans have no one with whom they feel they can share what matters to them most. Lynn Smith-Lovin, co-author of the study, said this kind of sociological shift in only two decades is rare. They are not sure what is causing the shirt, but possibilities include our steady migration to the suburbs, longer hours spent at work and the use of electronic games for recreation.

What we do see is the toll this lack of meaningful social connectedness takes on us. "Close relationships are a safety net," Ms. Smith-Lovin says. "Whether it's picking up a child or finding someone to help you out of the city in a hurricane, these are people we depend on." What happens when we don't have people to depend on? We no longer have our safety nets, which means there is more stress on individuals to do literally everything for themselves. No matter how superhuman any of us believes ourselves to be, none of us can be in two, three or four places at once. You cannot work a standard full-time job at forty-plus hours per week, manage a household and raise a family without help. If you are single and live alone, you find yourself in charge of all the decisions of life management by default, but believing you should never ask for or accept help can lead to a very limited world.

Either way of living presents challenges and opportunities, but both carry the burden of the American belief in the individual being able to go against all odds, work twenty-hour days and come out the other side saying it was all worth it. What we don't talk about is how socially isolating this belief system is, or what the cost is mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, both in the short and long term. If we are unwilling to rely on other people to support us, we probably are also unwilling to help other people in need, assuming they can do for themselves too. The end result is a country full of overtired, stressed out, crazy-busy people.

Is crazy-busy the legacy we want to pass on to the next generation? Do we want to come to the conclusion of our lives and realize the only people we have connected with are computer technicians and customer service representatives from our credit card companies? Unraveling why we ended up here is more than a paragraph of analysis can hold. What we can do differently can be considered by looking at the life of Jesus for clues on how he handled the important balance of work and connecting personally with other people.

Jesus' life, the last three years of which were spent on the road in a demanding public ministry, was what we would term crazy-busy too. Up at dawn, traveling on foot from location to location, constantly surrounded by co-workers and new followers, rarely having a moment to himself, and always aware that Rome and the Chief Priests were looking for him to slip up so they could dispose of him before they lost control of the masses. He had no vacation to look forward to, no weekends off and not even breaks from the ever-growing populace who came to him for help. The balance is that he didn't have property to maintain, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, bill paying or child-rearing tasks to perform. While Jesus' life on the road was strenuous, demanding and exhausting, he wasn't trying to "do it all" and keep a household running in his absence.

But while Jesus was on the road he relied on other people, the kindness of friends and strangers, to provide the everyday essentials of food and shelter, but also companionship and all its pleasant nuances. Paul would later refer to these pieces of relational connectedness in his letter to the Galatians. "The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)." Jesus spent time with Mary, Martha and Lazarus, siblings living outside of Jerusalem, in Bethany, whenever he came to town, especially during Passover celebrations. He relied on them for support, friendship and the basic necessities of life. Jesus gave a great deal of himself during his ministry, and as a friend, because he was willing to open himself to the reality that he wasn't doing it all, couldn't do it all and needed what other people had to share with him. Jesus clearly enjoyed the children who came with their parents to meet him. He also experienced the peace of private homes, away from the crowds for a few hours. Kindness, generosity and faithfulness were offered to him in simple, human interactions that made his life richer, and gave him strength to live his version of a crazy-busy life.

The first step to making connections with people is realizing that helping and supporting each other is a good thing. God intended us to live and work together, to enjoy each other's company. We don't have to live lives of isolation. We can allow ourselves to be known and be open to knowing each other in ways that will help us feel whole and united as a community lush with the fruits of the spirit.