by: Wayne and Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of November 11, 2002
I just started a wonderful new job. The atmosphere is laid-back, and the people alone make the place fantastic. The best of them all is my boss. She is 29, a month my elder, and very comely in appearance.
At first I was merely attracted to her, but as time went on, I fell hard. I couldn't put my finger on it, but she has such a sweet and gentle spirit. Problem is she's not only my boss. She's married.
At weekly meetings, I didn't want them to end. I'd lose focus during the conversation. I'd stare at her when she was talking. She is such a delightful and special person I couldn't help it. I wished I could be with her all day.
On some occasions, I thought she had to know this. It was killing me inside. She'd walk by me in a sundress, and I'd look her over. I would notice her looking down at me coyishly, then she'd get a call from her husband and be all happy to hear from him. I cut my eyes back to my computer, upset.
I thought I had to tell her, so one Friday, I did. She told me everything I needed to hear. She said she was happily married. I said I wouldn't hurt her in her career. She told me to get over it. I told her it was done, but that I love her in a way that makes me want to do the best for her.
I want to be there for her, but now she's very cold to me. I say hello in the hallway and she walks by me quicker. Her actions appear scripted. It sears my soul every day to think I hurt or scared her in any way. Will things return to normal so we can be close friends in spite of all this?
Reynold
Reynold, you will never be close friends because friends is not what you want from her. She gave you no opening for your remarks. You created a problem for her with a subordinate, a problem with no easy solution except to keep you at arm's length.
You created a permanent difficulty in your new job, one which can influence your chances for raises and promotion. The only solution is to keep your eyes and your thoughts to yourself and do your job.
You are looking at this strictly from your own point of view. Where did you get the idea you can tell any married woman you are romantically and sexually attracted to her? That would mean, when you marry, any man is free to hit on your wife.
When crossing the street, it is best to look both ways. If you think only of your own objective, the opposite curb, you are likely to get run over.
Wayne & Tamara
Failed Strategy
In April I cheated on my husband and let him find out. I swore to him it was over and wouldn't happen again, but I've been stringing along the guy I cheated with, telling him I love him and keeping him in the background just in case things didn't get better with my husband.
Well, my husband found out and now wants a divorce. I don't. I can't see myself without him. I am scared this time I will lose him for good.
Angel
Angel, your letter reminds us of the Aesop's fable about the dog carrying a chunk of meat in his mouth. When he looked into the water, he saw another dog with a larger piece of meat. In grabbing for it the dog lost both pieces, the real and the imaginary.
Your backup plan was your undoing. It proved to your husband why second chances are often unwarranted. Do you understand the moral of the story? Greediness can cause us to lose everything.
Wayne & Tamara