Sometimes, we find ourselves trapped in an obligatory break up, all of a sudden. With little time on our hand, we are needed to act swiftly to break up and break clean. Scenarios ranging from the he-cheated-on-me saga to the he-won't-commit fill pages of newspapers daily and fill our heads with complete misery. Learning to break up at the right moment can save your face and social grace.
On breaking up, I am the ultimate authority, having dumped more than 90 men in 25 years of dating without getting dumped once (serious). Yes, I can claim safely that I am the Ivana of breaking up and breaking even.
The first rule of thumb of breaking up is to select the appropriate moment (do not procrastinate or you will look pathetic). The second is to devise the manner of breakup around the reason for breakup - ( you do not slash your wrists a la Diana as a way out when you find you were cheated upon).And the last, not least rule , is to break even by breaking up. How? Say that what you have given that bloke is a love to talk about till the day he dies; take it back: the love letters, the poems and the precious gifts. Suppose he ran away with a younger woman; date a younger man IMMEDIATELY, without giving him a hint it is about revenge. He went back to his Ex? Go back to your Ex, any Ex, innocently. Breaking even is not exactly revenge; it is setting the records straight and rescuing your self-esteem.No matter what you choose to do, it should never look like breaking even!
Every relationship warrants its own break up story. But here there are ways to break his heart while you mend yours:
· You suddenly despise him when he said you were the woman who loved him best in 40 years.
· You immediately act healthy and in control as if he never mattered. He should not really.
· You ;command' he gives you everything you gave him (letters, love notes, pics and precious gifts); and since you cannot take back love making, pretend it never really touched you. You cannot take back your love? You can un-love.
· You are super nice to his friends and refrain from talking about him saying : ;he is not worth the mention', or: ;a fiasco he was; but I don't think I was true either', better still: ;c'mon , a crush is a crush is a crush!'
· Never Ever fight over him with another woman - EVER! Just give him up to her. This is the surest way she will dump him.
· Never ever let him see your tears over him. Never even cry in private!
· Treat yourself the best way you can, from having a total make over to having fun.
· Celebrate the break-up by inviting mutual friends and strangers to a "Nest-Clearing" party; he was not living with you? Then, "Chest-cleaning" !
· He cheated on you? Pretend you are cheating on him without knowing what he was up to - a winner tactic!
· He will not marry you? Get engaged in one month (fake it until you make it) to someone brand new.
· He badmouthed you with his friends? Date one of them (without having sex), pretending not to have heard of the tresspass.
· He went out with your friend? Call her and confide your sexual fantasies about his best friend all the time he is sleeping with you. Ask for her advice without sounding suspicious of her. A few days later, leave him a note saying: " I have to leave you without hurting you".
· He is keeping old memories and pictures of Exes? You will keep the telephone number of an Ex in your wallet; then ask him to hand you change from your purse. And you will make an issue of the right to keep ;the most important part of your life private'. Leave him for interfering with your ;privacy'.Never mention his own behaviour!
· He says he loves you but does not mean it? Say before friends that love is a game for two to play and laugh gently without looking at him. The following week, diasappear without a trace for days on end. And never offer an explanation.
· He is not generous with his money with you? Do not buy him a birthday gift; give him a card with a sorry-I-wish-I-had-cash-to-buy-you-something-nice; then buy yourself a pair of shoes for $200. The same month, date a richer man.
· He had sex with a prostitute on his business trip? Clip the pic of a male escort and tuck it in your Jeans pocket. Let him discover it and "swear' you never meant to actually phone the guy. You are not lying after all. Soon after that, flirt with that handsome cashier at the supermarket and give him your telephone number. Get him to answer the phone and hand it to you. Then say: "the wrong number"! When he gets jealous, leave and never go back.You never found out about his blunder, of course.
· He surprised you with his plans to break up with you? Ask him how dares he "when you fell in love with that chap two months ago and could not do that to him". Never ask him for an explanation. Just disappear and never answer his calls or justify your strange behaviour!
· You discovered he is going on with a relationship he is supposed to have ended? Pressure, corner, accuse and expose him. Then leave him to the other woman and let her know that you dumped him because you do not want him. And go on with your life as if he never existed.
· You can write? Do what I am doing and pass copies to your own friends. Publishing a book might be de rigeur for someone like Ivana, Marla or Jerry Hall to clear their image before millions. But publishing a book on the subject only means you are really really angry - the biggest taboo!
Those are examples to show you how to have the last say in your relationships , no matter what. The key points are: never appear weak, get jealous, utter the love word, seem lonely, act desperate , wish him back or confess you know something that hurt you. Getting rid of him willingly is bound to hurt him badly even if it were his own intention to break up the liaison. Act like you do not care; and most important: Don't!
If he comes back to you after reciving this dose of indignation, make sure you set new standards for the relationship where you will never be equal again. From this moment on, you are the upper hand. He does not like it? Let him say so and go away - forever.
If you need help breaking up and breaking even, do not hesitate to contact me for brainstorming.
About the Author
An Egyptian-born writer and poet who is published in English.