Word wrap to 60, (751 words)
Many times when an angry or rageful man comes into the
office to see me for the first visit, he is in a deep
crisis. Such was the case with Jerry. He was in the “deep
doghouse.” He was separated from his wife and she had filed
for divorce. A man is in the “deep doghouse” when his wife
is very angry and most of the communication is her
expressing anger, displeasure and criticism of him.
Although Jerry was deep in the doghouse, he was what I call
an eager customer. He was not interested in spending the
session explaining to me how he was right and she was
wrong. Neither was he particularly interested in exploring
his psychological make-up or that of his wife.
Jerry was an engineer with 20 years at a big oil company.
Often, therapists complain of engineers because they are
slow to get in touch with their feelings. However,
engineers are my favorite clients because they put the
pressure on me to provide something that works and works
quickly. He wanted something to prove to his wife that he
was making a dramatic change.
We discussed the importance of abstaining from the 15
behaviors that trigger rageaholics. Jerry said that he
would work to control his behavior. He said that he would
not be in this predicament if he had been abstaining from
these behaviors all along, especially profanity.
The next week he said that things were no worse with his
wife and he had not lost his temper. I complimented Jerry
on his good work. He had done a great job of not exploding,
even when his wife was cursing him and calling him names.
Jerry went to great lengths to stop his profanity, name-
calling, mocking and threatening, and he even kept a quiet
voice.
When I asked him what he wanted to get out of the next
session, he said, “I want to learn how to stop arguing with
her, if that is possible.” He said that they kept having
very long arguments that went on for hours on the phone. I
told Jerry that there were three words that would stop any
argument: You are right.
These words will stop an argument because in order to have
an argument, there has to be a disagreement. Without a
disagreement, it is impossible to have an argument. Now
these words go against some of our training as men. What we
men have learned is how to hang on to being right. I was
told that I should never give up when I was right. I was
taught to stick to what I believed. And this idea of
sticking with what you believe, never stopping, hanging on
to being right, may be useful in many areas of your life,
but I think you probably have found that it is not useful
in your marriage.
The truth of the matter is, no matter what anyone says, you
can usually find some smidgen of truth in it. You can
acknowledge they are right in some way.
“You are right” does not mean you agree to change anything.
I say this over and over again—and it is hard for most
ragers to comprehend. Someone telling me that I am selfish,
self-centered and egotistical is not a request for a
behavioral change. These are universal, human frailties. I
make no commitment to change any behavior when I agree with
my wife that I am selfish, self-centered and egotistical.
It is not the time to argue when you are deep in the
doghouse and your wife is ranting and raving at you.
When deep in the doghouse, you should not explain your
behavior, not defend your behavior and certainly not
counterattack. Deep doghouse communication is about
receiving the message and validating her point of view. It
is about receiving, not sending. Arguments get started when
you try to send back when she is still sending. If you
say, “Well, you haven’t always been around here eitherHow
about the two weeks you went to visit your mother?” that is
gasoline on the fire.
Many of you may be thinking, “But what if she isn’t right?
Am I supposed to lie?” I suggest that you:
1. Say the phrase, “You are right.”
2. Find some truth in what she is saying and agree with it.
3. Get your “but” out of the way. Don’t say, “You are
right, but…”
You can state your opinion when you get out of the doghouse.
About the Author
Newton Hightower is the Director of The Center for Anger
Resolution, Inc. in Houston, Texas, and author of the new
book "Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the
Women Who Love Them." Visit Newton's website for anger-
busting ideas and a free email newsletter filled with guest
articles and tips for husbands, wives, and therapists.
http://www.angerbusters.com