"Create loving, accepting space around people and this will put
irresistible pressure on them to grow to fill it"
Mac Andrews
"If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be
fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be
happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way
things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole
world belongs to you."
Lao Tzu
In the last issue, I talked about empathy as a core emotional
competence for building relationships, influencing people, and
getting buy-in based on the ability to understand the thoughts,
feelings, and motives of another.
However, why is it that empathy is now recognized to be so
important for personal resilience and well-being? It's because our
ability to be empathic with others starts with our ability to be
empathic towards ourselves!
Like so many other abilities and qualities that we've been taught
(or admonished!) to practice with others –- charity, kindness,
paying attention to others' needs first (also known as not being
selfish), acceptance –- our ability to genuinely embody and
demonstrate empathy depends on whether we can have it for ourselves.
Another way to think about empathy is through the lens of
acceptance and non-judgment. Our ability to be empathic with
another clearly reflects acceptance and lack of judgment about
them. Yet if we don't accept certain aspects in ourselves,
how can we truly be empathic with others when we
witness those same qualities in them?
Genuine and complete self-acceptance is a challenge for many
people. Lack of empathy can show up as being hard on oneself
(generally or specifically), or it can be a blind spot that is
outside our awareness.
C.G. Jung named those aspects of ourselves that we disown as the
"shadow self." Thus, while we may not recognize ourselves as
having certain "undesirable" traits, those are often the very
things we non-empathically judge and reject in others.
Where do people commonly lack empathy towards themselves?
There seem to be certain key areas, that when challenged by someone
else or triggered by some action we ourselves have taken,
provoke self-judgment:
- Things that challenge our competence (mistakes, areas where we
don't feel competent that become apparent in day-to-day life such
as conflict management, money, power and authority, emotional
self-management, to name but a few)
- Values -– both those to which we subscribe and those which we
reject
- Feelings that are uncomfortable or intolerable for us
- Characteristics we deem as undesirable
For example, if you have perfectionist tendencies you may be
unforgiving towards yourself or others when mistakes are made. Or,
if I violate a value I espouse such as fairness, integrity, or
equality, I may judge myself harshly, as well as those whom I also
perceive, rightly or wrongly, to violate that value.
Likewise, when we see certain behaviors that we attribute to
characteristics or values we view as negative, it's a good bet that
we'll have difficulty being empathic.
I had a client who, when she saw others seeking to acquire things
for themselves, labeled – and rejected – that behavior as "selfish"
and "greedy." Yet, on further inquiry, it turned out that she
rejected her own "greediness", which was actually a desire to be
more assertive in getting her needs and desires met. Thus, her
judgment grew out of a belief acquired in childhood, that
attempting to get her needs met was selfish and greedy.
What's the value in paying attention to your personal empathy
quotient?
1. When you are un-empathic and judgmental toward those things that
consciously cause you trouble, it's difficult to look at them and
work with them. With empathy, you can do just that, allowing yourself
to develop greater self-efficacy and competence in those areas.
2. Becoming aware of your unconscious shadow self or blind spots
gives you access to motivations, needs, and desires that may
actually be a source of untapped power for you.
Remember my client who rejected "greediness"? When she reclaimed
her own "greediness", she was able to act more fully on her own
behalf, achieve greater competence and authority in creating what
she wanted and needed, thus enhancing her sense of personal power.
Would you benefit from being less hard on yourself? If so, ask
yourself what judgments you make about yourself that might be
limiting your effectiveness or your desired results? Then,
practice releasing the judgment. Creating loving spaciousness in
your self will certainly allow something new to emerge!
(c) Copyright 2003. Manya Arond-Thomas, all rights reserved.
About the Author
Manya Arond-Thomas, M.D., is the founder of Manya
Arond-Thomas & Company, a coaching and consulting
firm that catalyzes the creation of “right
results” through facilitating executive
development, high-performance teams and
organizational effectiveness. She can be reached
at (734) 480-1932 or e-mailed at
manya@arond-thomas.com.
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