Do you wonder how you can reconnect, and bring back those loving feelings? Do you think about seeking outside help to guide you through the process?
BE CAREFUL!
Many couples first consider calling their pastor. The person you call at this critical time could determine the success or failure of your relationship. If you choose an untrained person, you may be headed for divorce.
WHY?
Early, effective and knowledgeable intervention saves marriages. Most pastors receive no marriage and family training.
Many struggling couples considering divorce say they sought help from their pastor at least once, often several times. Most admit they received no helpful information, learned no new skills, got spiritual “shoulds” rather than practical “how to” skills.
If nothing changes, the relationship deteriorates further.
I see the above scenario so often I am fed up! Just last week a husband and father who filed for divorce told me that the third time he sought help from his pastor he was told, “There is nothing you can do. If it doesn’t change you should be happy knowing you are suffering for Christ.”
That was three years ago. At that point the marriage could have been saved. Now it’s too late.
How do you know whether to seek help from your pastor? Consider the following questions. If you don’t know the answer, ask the pastor.
CHECKLIST FOR PASTOR QUALIFIED TO COUNSEL RELATIONSHIPS:
1. Is your pastor certified in Marriage and Family Therapy or is s/he professionally trained in marriage enrichment strategies and skills?
If not, does s/he willingly refer to professionals or recommend skills training classes? We know that most marital problems result from lack of interpersonal skills, not from spiritual problems, nor from abuse, addictions or other severe situations.
2. Does your pastor strongly encourage all couples to participate in relationship skills training opportunities on an ongoing basis? Does s/he make available in your church, relationship skills classes such as PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) which teach communication and conflict resolution?
3. Does your pastor require a pre-marital inventory for every marriage performed in your church?
If not, why not? Only a valid inventory such as Prepare-Enrich or Focus-Refocus is effective. These have high validity and educate couples on areas of strength and weakness.
4. Do you have a Marriage Savers program in your church?
If not, why not? Marriage Savers www.marriagesavers.org is a church based program which utilizes trained mentor couples and includes programs for couples in every phase of marriage. These programs cut divorce rates and strengthen relationships.
5. Does your pastor refer couples considering divorce to Retrouvaille?
If not, why not? Retrouvaille www.retrouvaille.org has an 80% success rate in bringing couples back from the brink.
If most of the above are not present in your church, don’t waste precious time. Find a relationship skills building class (check www.smartmarriages.com), or find a marriage and family counselor, (preferably a member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) or find a relationship coach, (with MFT training).
What are you waiting for? Strengthen your foundation and start building the relationship you desire, today.
About the Author
Pat Swan, M.S., CMFT: Life & Relationship Coach, Speaker, Trainer, Author of “Watch Out! Your Relationships Can Be Hazardous To Your Health.” http://www.StopRelationshipStress.com and http://www.RelationshipSkillville.com.
Mailto:pat@patswan.com.