PASSING JUDGEMENT ON MEN
A Self-Destructive and Addictive Behaviour
At one time or another most women have indulged in a session of male criticism with their girlfriends. This is an addictive ritual many women allow themselves when they are feeling fed up with the men in their lives. Addictive; because it sets off a chain reaction. Once a group of women get started with their complaints about their not so perfect partners, the remaining women in the group tend to join in and a huge bonding session begins about how ‘awful’ men are. Unfair generalisations are made, and these conversations really become destructive to women’s self-esteem and their male/female relationships.
The more that women that indulge in these so-called bonding session with their girlfriends or simply carry around this negative type of thinking, the more addictive and negative these thought processes become and this kind of talk tends to become a natural reaction to any upset concerning their male partners. That is not to say that there is anything wrong with venting when angry or upset, however there is a difference between healthy venting to a female friend and constantly whinging and whining to each another about men in general. Perhaps some women really don’t understand how destructive and negative this behaviour is.
Women may ask: What about men with misogynist attitudes towards women, who that treat women badly. Misogynistic men exist, make no mistake, however not all men are misogynists. Most men are genuine, decent, caring human beings who want to be loved, just as women do. Before I go any further on, I would like to point out that I do not advocate any woman remaining in a relationship with a man who is abusive emotionally or physically. This article is about women who are somewhat dissatisfied with their male partner. I am hoping that instead of disparaging and judging the men in their lives they would like effect change in a positive way.
How many times do some women, when angry at their men, make generalised statements attacking the men in their lives or for that matter every man in the universe? Some examples could be:
Men are inconsiderate
Men are selfish
Men are liars
Men cause women pain
Could it be possible that we as women can turn these generalised statements into positive affirmations about men? These statements could read:
Men are considerate
Men are generous
Men are honest
Men give us happiness
It is possible that once we focus on having a positive frame of mind, a few more positive affirmations could be added to this list? Like attracts like, and positive actions and words will attract the positive. If you look for the negative aspects within your relationships with men, you will find them. If women really believe all of these negative statements about their men exist, then it is highly possible these negative qualities lie within themselves. The saying: “What we see in others somewhere exists in us,” is true. Attempting to change our negative beliefs into positive beliefs is no easy task, however it can be done. Negative thoughts and feelings have become an addiction in society. This could be the first step towards narrowing the gap between men and women and breaking free of our negative addictions. Perhaps its time women had a close look at themselves and really search with their hearts and minds for the truth here. Women are more than capable to bring about some changes here; after all we are the nurturers and caregivers of society. We can turn this negative thinking around and make it positive, all we need is to tap into our potential as women.
It is also possible that when we make a habit of putting men down, women are unknowingly destroying any chance of intimacy and closeness with the men in their lives. Men know women do this. Does any woman out there truly believe that men aren’t aware of the fact that we talk negatively behind their backs? Well they know. Men know when we are holding in negative thoughts, and they detest this kind of behaviour. Men see this as manipulative behaviour and they would prefer honest communication. When we constantly complain about our men, any chance of developing our relationship into a loving one goes down the toilet. Do women really believe that their man will open up to them if they are constantly put down and criticized? Not a chance and men would crazy to open up under those circumstances.
Men do want intimacy and they want to open up to women, but they don’t know how. Men were trained from childhood not to show their feelings. In today’s society it is starting to become more acceptable for men to open up; however a lot of men still don’t feel it’s safe to open up. As women, we could be more aware and understanding of this, given that opening up to our feelings is much easier for us, because we find it a completely natural thing to do. Women are relationship and emotion oriented, whereas men are thinkers and solution orientated. Women also need to remember that men express intimacy differently, they create situations of intimacy by doing certain things for us and men don’t share their feelings in the same way that a woman may share feelings with a close girlfriend. Your man is not the same as your best girlfriend.
Some women quite often demand intimacy with their man for the wrong reasons. Many women expect their men to fulfill all their emotional needs, when in the real world women should be taking care of their own needs, not expecting their man to constantly fill them up emotionally. That is not to say that a woman cannot ask her male partner to meet her needs, however she needs to be direct in her request, and that request should never be out of excessive neediness or insecurity and she should accept that her man might say no. When neediness or insecurity forms the basis of a relationship, the relationship becomes unhealthy.
As women, we can bring about change here and that does not mean trying to change your man. Attempting to change your partner will slowly erode away the trust you have built in your relationship. What woman in her right mind would actually like her man to try and change her? None of us! Women really have the ability to start closing the gap that exists between men and women. There are things we can do, as women to enhance our male/female partnerships and become closer to the men in our lives. As women, we have natural skills, we just need to be aware of what they are and put these skills into practice.
Firstly, women should more pay more attention themselves. Do we love ourselves enough? Do we have a high level of self-esteem? Are we taking care of ourselves in the same way we would take care of our partner? These acts of love to ourselves are essential to a healthy, loving relationship with our male partner. Women could also start paying clear attention to what it is that men like and need. Our man’s needs are certainly not being considered when we are busy with our girlfriends, beating up on every male in the universe. Consider this:
Men like to feel encourages and appreciate for their efforts.
Men like to feel recognized as very special in our lives.
They would like to feel compassionate caring, and not one born out of neediness or excessive insecurity.
They would like to feel loved.
Women are the carers and givers of the world and we can take the lead and set a loving example to our male partners and our women friends. Many women just do not realise the skills they have when it comes to relationships. We get very caught up with the negative aspects of our male partners and sometimes forget about the positive. Women are proactive, we can effect change if we learn how to handle and respond to certain situation. The following examples are based on some wonderful words of wisdom that I recently read in an on-line article by Nikki Katz. These ideas were a great inspiration and I share them with you now:
•Women have an outstanding capability to work as a team player and support everyone to keep things running proficiently. We, as women are good at creating a partnership with our men and therefore can further nurture and develop the relationship.
•Women are great communicators. We are good listeners and extremely proficient at delivering our message to our men. When we are talking with the men in our lives, we can be the one who sets the tone of the conversation and we can create a safe arena for open communication.
•Women are creative, we can easily come up with ideas, solutions, and suggestions for many situations and if something does not work, we try something different. Men appreciate our creative abilities; they rely on us to create ideas to keep the relationship happy and healthy.
•Women have an enormous capacity to empower and encourage ourselves and others around us. When we empower our men, we are letting him realise his ability. We can support our men to aspire to who they want to be, help ourselves realise our potential, and have our relationship progress into something amazing.
•Women have excellent nurturing skills; we know what someone needs, when they need it, and how to provide it to them. When we are nurturing the relationship, we are lovingly caring for ourselves and our partner to progress and prosper with the relationship.
•Women are tender human beings. We are naturally gentle, open and loving. Our relationships with our men need this type of cushioning against the pressures in life. When we are caring and tender to our male partners, they will respond in kind.
•Women are vulnerable and know how to communicate their weaknesses. When we are feeling safe in our relationship, it is easy to be open up and reveal ourselves. Being vulnerable is a very effective thing to do for our relationships, because we are not closing off or getting defensive. We are holding out our hands and saying “Here I am.”
•Women have the ability to be open with their feelings and thoughts. When we are being open and vulnerable, we are allowing ourselves to open up to someone else. When we are open, we create space for the relationship to be wonderful. Opening our hearts and minds to our men allows him to be himself, feel accepted, and give us his best.
•As women, we are natural receivers. We may tend to think receiving is not as powerful as giving; yet receiving is giving, it is impossible to give to our men fully if we are unable to receive. Consider the sexual act, whichever way we look at it, women are the receivers, we receive our man into our bodies. A woman’s ability to receive is a wonderful gift, as it allows our man to give to us.
•Women are the natural healers of the world. We know how to soothe someone’s pain. When our man is hurting, we can help him heal by being tender, open and loving.
•Women’s intuition has been called a myth, however it is not. Women possess excellent intuitive skills. This is our sixth sense at work. We can use this special psychic ability to understand our men, and see what our relationship needs.
•When we rely on our intuition, it is easy to envision the future – and when we envision the future, we can have it happen. As women, we can see the relationship as happy, romantic, passionate, loving, or as anything we want it to be.
These judgemental and critical attitudes have to stop. Women need to adopt an attitude of self-love and look deep into their own hearts and open up to loving the men in their lives. Criticizing our male partners keeps us firmly entrenched as victims, and that is powerless and destructive. Is that what we want? Critical, negative and hurtful statements about our male partners enlarge the emotional gap between men and women. Putting the men in our lives down stirs up our angry, negative feelings and anger is a barrier to love and intimacy.
Finally; is being right or wrong in our relationships with the men in our lives all that important? Love is more important than being right. Love means nothing when you choose negative attitudes and behaviours to being happy. Given a choice, wouldn’t we prefer love over being right? Love is the only choice.
About the Author
I am 38, and I live in Canberra in Australia. I love to write and I am currently working on my first book. I love to sing, play guitar and read. I am also and adventurer, and love the outdoors and travelling. Happy reading. Jel