I’ve been sitting here for the past couple of hours watching the Atlanta Falcons get massacred by the Kansas City Chiefs. At this point the score is 49-10, which is a country (you fill in the word here) anyway you want to look at it. Seeing as how the outcome of the game appears to be a foregone conclusion, I decided to go outside and stretch my legs a bit.
I went out, walked around, looked at some of the trees, and then cast my gaze outwards towards the front yard and the road that runs by our house. And while I’m doing all that lookin‘, I notice this mature lady, okay, this old lady, okaaayyyy, this very old lady out walking her dog. Normally, I wouldn’t pay much attention to that, but something did catch my eye in this particular situation - this old lady proceeded to walk her dog on up into my yard, and took him over towards some of my azaleas. I was wondering just what the deal was, so I walked a tad closer and did so just in the nick of time - this pooch was about to do a number two right in front of my azaleas. I guess my presence threw his timing off, cause he quickly stopped squatting and stood straight up. The old lady looked over towards me with a slightly annoyed countenance, to which I politely asked,
“Mam, why are y’all up here in my yard?”
Her polite, but firm response,
“Young man, it should be obvious that my pet needs to relieve himself. Now, if you don’t mind.”
I should have been a better man than this, but I’m not, so I said,
“Mam, this may come as a shock to you, but I don’t want your dog dropping brown bombs all over my front yard.”
Her wizened face did not indicate happiness, so she replied,
“And just what harm would it be if my Spoofy did his business here?”
I could barely contain myself,
“Mam, with all due respect, I’m not running a public pet toilet here - this is where I live, and frankly, I don’t want a big mound of doggie crap right out here in front of my azaleas.”
I could tell she was getting a bit more perturbed by her reply,
“Well, it’s obvious that you don’t like or respect animals.”
My clever rejoinder,
“Mam, I have nothing against animals, but I have lots against dogs being brought into my yard to crap all over it. But, all in fairness given this situation, I have a proposition for you to consider.”
“And that proposition is?”
“I will allow your Spoofy here to relieve himself right out here in my front yard if I can be extended the same privilege.”
This Miss Prunella look-alike looked somewhat perplexed, so she asked,
“What do you mean by being extended the same privilege?”
“Well, if it’s okay for my yard to be used as a public pet toilet, I would like permission to use yours as well.”
“You can’t be serious!”
“Well sure I am. If you would kindly give me your address, the next time I’m driving by with a full bladder resulting from the sucking down of several Diet Mountain Dews, I’ll pull over and relieve myself on one of your trees. Since you live almost a mile away this could be great for me when I experience one of those times that I don’t think I can make it home before downloading certain bodily fluids.”
“Absolutely not! Absolutely not! I will not grant you permission to urinate in my yard!”
“Well mam, then we’re even, as I’m not gonna grant you permission to let Fido here create artwork out on my front lawn.”
With all that having been said, she stormed off in a huff, pulling little Spoofy along with her. I did feel a little sorry for the poor dog, but I felt a whole lot better for me and for the condition of my yard. I guess that sometimes you encounter situations where you just can’t let people or dogs crap all over you, not even an old blue haired lady with a dog named Spoofy who’d sure like to. Sometimes, I think it’s actually good for certain people to be mad at you and not want to be around you, especially if they’re old biddies walking four legged poop factories along with them. And just think, if I’d dropped my guard and actually allowed this, she might drop by next week with a pet goose, and we all know what a sweet situation that’d be....
About the Author
Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.