I have a confession to make this week. A confession that needs to be made, but is embarrassing just the same. And so, without further ado, here it is:
I’ve gotten hooked on “American Idol.”
I know, I know, I wish one of y’all would just walk up and slap me right now. Bad thing is, I can’t figure out why. I didn’t watch one episode of it the first three seasons it was on, and it didn’t bother me in the least. I thought people were crazy for putting so much emphasis on Ruben, Clay, and Fantasia. I mean, if you multiplied any one of them by a thousand you still wouldn’t have someone worthy enough to help Elvis get dressed for a show. But, despite all that, I’m hooked.
It started innocently enough. A few months ago, I was in front of the TV one night with my daughter Alison, and she mentioned that “American Idol” was about to come on. I was going to get up and go do something else, but she asked me to stay and watch it with her. And that’s how it all got started.
The show was broadcast out of Las Vegas or St. Louis or somewhere, and thousands of people had shown up to audition. The auditions themselves were pretty simple - the contestants walked in and sang in front of the three judges, Randy, Paula, and Simon, who collectively decided whether or not to pass them on to the next round. When the first contestant came out, my curiosity perked up a little.
She was a tad on the healthy side, no, let‘s be honest, she didn’t look like too many Butterfinger bars had ever escaped her grasp. What made it even worse was that she had this black dress on with things that looked like octopus tentacles hanging off the bottom. I could tell that the judges wanted to laugh out loud, and when she started singing, man oh man, a truck full of hogs running into a crate filled with ducks would’ve sounded better. She was simply horrible. And right at that moment, I became hooked, and then I figured out why....
“The Gong Show!” Y’all remember “The Gong Show?” Man, I sure do. “The Gong Show” was set up somewhat along the same lines as “American Idol,” but it was even better. A whole lot better. And here’s why:
On “The Gong Show,” you had a host who brought out the acts (Chuck Barris), and three judges who rated them. Right behind the judges was a gong. When an act came out and performed, the judges would vote for it utilizing a one-to-ten scale. The scores would then be totaled up, and whichever act had the highest total at the end of the show won. It was fair, simple to understand, but that wasn’t the best thing about “The Gong Show.” The best thing was whenever a truly crummy act came out and performed. If it stunk to high heaven and back, any one of the three judges could turn around and strike the gong - that meant the act had to stop performing right then and there. And since “The Gong Show” only offered a few hundred bucks to whomever won, the overall quality of their acts was generally poor, which made them great fun to watch. Especially more fun to watch than these slicked up kids they’ve got on “American Idol.” They’re all too squeaky clean, not one hair out of place, and the their song selections are simply atrocious. The other night I almost swallowed a whole ice cube when one of the Idol contestants sang the old Partridge Family hit, “I Think I Love You.” The bad thing was, the young man was singing it like it was the most serious song he‘d ever heard. It nearly caused me to curse out loud, which is something I’ve never done before in my life.
Folks, let me go ahead and tell y’all what’s gonna happen on Idol. Those record company execs who run the show have pretty much decided that either Carrie or Bo has the potential to sell the most records. So Randy, Paula, and Simon are going to steer public opinion towards those two as much as they can. Just watch, I’d bet a BTO CD on it. And while I’m watching it all unfold over the next few weeks, I’ll better understand why my mind keeps flashing back to “Gene, Gene, The Dancing Machine,” “The Unknown Comic,” “Larry and his drum,” and that simple little gong....
About the Author
Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.