A while back, an Internet wit compiled a list of signs that
you're not spending enough time online. One sure sign is that
poor spelling and grammar still bother you. Good one!
Unfortunately, there are no online grammar police … just you
and me, voluntarily dotting our own "i"s and crossing our own
"t"s. And since you want to go forth and prosper as an Internet
business, you're taking the time to do it, right?
After all, as author Virginia Shea pointed out in her online
book Netiquette, "On the Web, you won't be judged by the
color of your skin, eyes or hair, your weight, your age, or your
clothing. You will, however, be judged by the quality of your
writing."
Okay, maybe these days, people aren't as picky as they once
were about speaking and writing perfectly. Whether that's
okay or not, is up for debate. But if you lose coherency as a
result… well, that's going to cost you money and that's not
negotiable, is it?
But, for those of you with too many clients and too much
money, here are a few guidelines on writing for mediocrity:
1. Do not under any circumstances use the spell check function
or have someone else proofread your text before uploading it.
That wood be a horendus waist of time and serbs no porpoise.
2. If you don't have valuable content, don't worry… just
substitute fancy fonts, busy wallpaper and lots of blinking
banners. Your visitors will be so distracted they won't notice
you have nothing to say.
3. If you quote someone, don't bother to get their permission
or spell their name correctly. Why? See rule #1.
4. Exclamation marks rule!!! Your readers have likely never
seen this tactic before and so will think that urgent punctuation
(!!!) requires urgent action (!!!) on their part.
5. Don't be afraid of large blocks of text. Readers see that
dense copy and say to themselves: "Oh goody, I was just
running short of things to read!"
6. Bury your lead. This is an old journalism trick practiced by
old journalists who couldn't remember the point of their story.
This delightful writing style requires your readers to plow
through a slagheap of details before reaching the "gold
nugget". Internet users are patient creatures with nowhere else
to go, so don't hesitate to ramble on and on aimlessly.
7. If you want your readers to take a specific action such as
order a product or "click here", don't state that outright.
Subtlety is best. Give them the benefit of the doubt and
assume they'll know what they're supposed to do.
8. Which brings us to tone. Your written tone of voice is very
important. You never want your readers to suspect that a real
live person is standing behind their words or, worse yet,
standing behind their product. Just pretend you are a robot and
the writing will come much easier.
9. Consistently utilize a preponderance of gargantuan words,
even in localities where a more diminutive congregation of
characters would be sufficient. This method, employed with
great success by lawyers, will convince your humble readers
that you are infinitely smarter than they are and they will buy
your product or service out of sheer gratitude.
By following the above guidelines in writing your text, you'll
be moving the world one step closer to the day when the entire
web is a syntax-free zone and professional writers (like me)
spend our days fishing cigarette butts out of bus station
ashtrays.
About the Author
Heather Reimer has been involved in print and electronic
journalism for over 15 years and is currently the Creative Copy
Editor for iGlobalMedia.com, a leading edge affiliate
management company. You can visit them at www.iglobalmedia.com.